Grinding My Gears! - Rubbernecking

Oh crap, it's...

In today's installment of my long running series Grinding My Gears!, I want to discuss the persistent thorns in my ass that are rubberneckers. On the way home from grocery shopping, I was stuck behind a long line of vehicles. Upon reaching the crest of the next hill, I saw the reason for my delay -- a police officer parked beside the road with his lights flashing. The closer I came to the officer's cruiser, the slower the person in front of me drove. When it came time for the driver before me to pass by the cop, they slowed almost to a halt, looked out the window at the officer and swerved nearly off the road.

WHY-WHY-WHY-WHY-WHY-WHY-WHY-WHY?!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

After ceasing my screaming at the driver, they continued to putz down the road at a very slow speed. Why? I couldn't tell you. There was no reason for them to slow down while passing the police officer, that's for damn sure. I'll get to my frustration with the cop in a moment.

Oh look, a traffic jam. There must be a massive wreck up ahead.

Er, wait... it's just someone changing a flat tire.

I'm sick and tired of folks staring at things happening beside the road, all the while recklessly endangering the lives of other drivers. Whatever is taking place, there is no reason for you to slow down and look. Don't turn your head. Keep your eyes on the road and ignore the flashing lights. Every time I see some moron rubbernecking, this is what I imagine is going through their mind:

"Ooooohhh... pretty flashy lights. I must turn my head and look now. Doh, pretty lights!"

Congratulations! You helped cause a traffic jam because you couldn't stay focused on THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU SHOULD BE WORRIED ABOUT WHILE DRIVING... WHICH IS DRIVING!

Rubbernecking is a leading cause of motor vehicle accidents where a distracted driver is at fault. Current estimates place rubbernecking as being responsible for between ten and twenty percent of ALL roadway accidents. That's not just ridiculous; it's downright moronic. Shape up, American drivers! I'm tired of your crap. 

Now, as to the dumb police officer. Why was he stopped beside the road? I'll tell you. He was staring at a bag of what looked like fast food, mashed in the center of the road. Was he going to arrest the flattened french fries? Beats me, but he had his emergency lights on nevertheless. Here's a police tip -- if you don't need your emergency lights, DON'T USE THEM! Your lights do nothing but attract idiot drivers like the one who was in front of me. Turn the damn lights off, do what you got to do, and get the hell on down the highway!

When You're a Cop, Following the Law Is Optional.

Back in January, I featured a blog as part of my Grinding My Gears! series entitled Lane Thieves. I discussed the tendency of many drivers I encounter at intersections to steal the lane, thereby occupying one lane as if there were two. I also discussed the potential danger this creates. Today's blog is a small addendum to that original article.

This past Saturday, I encountered a local deputy sheriff whom performed this very act. While stopped at a four-way signal light with a single lane, a deputy in a marked police cruiser passed me on the right, occupied the edge of the lane and part of the shoulder at the intersection; he obviously wanted to turn right. He was so close to the right side of my vehicle that I could see the images on his laptop screen. I was turning right as well and had my turn signal activated. A vehicle was coming from my left towards the intersection (they had the green light), so I was yielding to them before turning right. Before that vehicle could pass through the intersection, this deputy had pulled beside me and whipped ahead. In doing so, he not only illegally passed me on the right, but also cut the oncoming vehicle off and caused them to have to slow down. This deputy did not have his emergency lights activated, nor did he engage a siren. In short... he was just being an impatient douche bag with no regard for the law he supposedly upholds.

What if I hadn't seen the deputy and attempted to complete the turning maneuver to the right? He would have caused me to hit his vehicle, hence why you're not allowed to pass a vehicle on the right in the United States. What if the oncoming vehicle from the left couldn't slow down in time and rear-ended the deputy's car? This officer of the law created the potential for not one, but two vehicular accidents.

It's no surprise that drivers in North Carolina are so terrible. Even police officers fail to follow the rules of the road; neither do they enforce the law. The cops are bad drivers. The citizens are bad drivers. Nearly everyone in North Carolina is a bad driver!

To put it mildly -- many cops are just vulgarians with a badge and a superiority complex. You know it, I know it and they know it.

Grinding My Gears! - Unobservant Pedestrian Shoppers

Have you ever noticed those people whom always seem to walk aimlessly into oncoming traffic when exiting a department store? Trust me -- I HAVE.

Hold the phones, it's...

Today's installment of Grinding My Gears! is all about Unobservant Pedestrian Shoppers. We all know them and we've all dealt with them. Some zeppelin-sized pussbag with three kids in tow will waddle out the front door of your local Wal-Mart or Target. You're driving by trying to find a parking spot (because you're not parking in the fire lane like the rest of the local scum). And of course, without any sense of their surroundings, those fools fail to look both ways and meander right in front of your vehicle. As expected, they take their time when walking in front of you. Big Momma in her pink sweats has to check her Facebook, you know! And those kids... they seem to run every which way BUT away from your vehicle. It makes me want to scream!

AAAAHHHHUUUUUGGHHHHHAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!

Why can't people just look both ways before walking into traffic? I realize that cars have to yield to pedestrians. That's a rule I fully agree with. Yet, doesn't some sense of personal responsibility enter into the equation? Whenever I walk out of a department store or shopping center, I follow a few simple steps.

1. STOP
2. LOOK LEFT
3. LOOK RIGHT
4. DECIDE IF WALKING WOULD IMPEDE TRAFFIC
5. GO WHEN I HAVE AN OPENING
6. WALK BRISKLY TO CROSS THE TRAFFIC LANE

I mean really folks... it's that damn easy. Sure, a vehicle technically has to yield to me if I walk in front of them... but it doesn't mean I should go without judging my surroundings first. Isn't it rude to just walk thoughtlessly in the way of other people? Much less, should you heedlessly enter into a lane of traffic with giant metal bricks on wheels zooming towards you? What if a driver doesn't see you? Did you ever consider that you might just be road kill for the buzzards?

No, you didn't... you're an aloof pinhead.

I can't even begin to count the number of boneheads that have walked in front of my car without so much as looking up and noticing I was there. It's a good thing I was paying attention because they sure as hell were not. Their mobile phone is the usual culprit, but not always. So often I see moms messing with their kids and completely neglecting to insure that it was safe to cross the road. Other times, it's folks shoving coffee or food into their face. Can't that wait until you get to your car?

New flash you morons -- just because drivers are instructed to yield to pedestrians doesn't automatically insure your safety! 

Need proof that more pedestrians are being killed in accidents with vehicles? Take a look at the most recent 2012 National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report on pedestrian fatalities. For many years now, pedestrian deaths as a percentage of total vehicle accident fatalities have been steadily rising. In 2012, there were over 4,743 pedestrians killed in vehicle collisions. I'd bet good money that many of those deaths could have been avoided if the pedestrian involved had been more aware of their surroundings.

So there you have it. When you're walking out of a shopping center and going to your vehicle in the parking lot, please be attentive. Look around you. Wait for nearby vehicles to pass before entering the crosswalk. Be courteous of drivers and show them some respect, just as they show you respect.

Because let's face it... if the rule of law wasn't in place, I'd have run you over a LONG time ago. That's the only thing protecting you from me.

Grinding My Gears! - Dumb Facebook Recipes

It's that time again for another installment of...

On tonight's Grinding My Gears, I want to discuss a thorn in my side that I contend with constantly. That's right... Dumb Facebook Recipes. Here are two photos of a recipe I saw this morning on my Facebook timeline. Be sure to click the images to see them in a larger and much clearer format.

I want to thank my friend Christopher for allowing me to share this particular recipe with you. In no way does this blog reflect upon him -- Chris is a smart guy and I think he will understand the point I'm about to make. Certainly, this conglomerate of tasty sweets is mouth-watering, but good grief. Thanks Chris!

That being said, here's my issue with Dumb Facebook Recipes like this one. They're not recipes at all! The level of difficulty to make this "Heaven in a Bowl" dish ranks somewhere between making ice and boiling water! The ingredients:

• 1 fudge brownie mix (as in go buy it from a store)
• 2 Packages of miniature peanut butter cups (buy it from a store, too)
• 4 cups of milk (yep, buy it)
• 2 packages of instant vanilla pudding mix (buy it)
• 1 cup of creamy peanut butter (buy it *yawn*)
• 4 teaspoons of vanilla extract (buy it *zzzzzzz*)
• 2 containers of whipped topping (*zzzzzzzzzzzZZzzZz*)

That's it folks. No baking or preparation required. Buy - Dump - Stir - Eat. 

WHAT?!

Per the directions, it tells you to "prepare brownie batter according to package directions". What kind of instruction is that?! Not only is this recipe absent of any challenge or integrity, it actually resorts to telling you to follow someone else's directions for a component of the dish. Who does that? It's like an architect designing a house, but outsourcing the drawing aspect to a dishwasher at Red Lobster! From there on, you basically lump everything together and layer it in a bowl.

It's a recipe so simple, a blindfolded hippo could mash it together while taking a dump in a river.

Such silly recipes are insulting, really. Here's how it would go down on a cooking show...

"DUHHHH, you take dis ones here and picks it up."

"Thens, you puts dis ones in wit dis ones."

DURRRRRRHHHHH, gives it a good stirrings."

"Yup, you eats it now."

Dumb Facebook Recipes aren't so much recipes as they are new ways for depressed morons to eat high-calorie foods all at once. The type of people that come up with such ideas (in this case, a simpleton named Shannon Ross) must pick super sweet foods out of thin air and decide to clump them together.

"Err.... Chocolate and peanut butter... marshmallows... some peppermint... a handful of pistachios... three cups of egg nog... a carton of butter pecan ice cream... two heaping spoons of hot fudge... yeahhhhhh."

When it comes to "Heaven in a Bowl", you know some deadbeat fat-ass was sitting around their apartment late one night and mashed what crap they could find in their fridge together. I'll set the scene for you...

*removes Oculus Rift from their face, wipes drool off their chin, pulls pants up*

"Peanut butter cups, brownies, whipped cream, vanilla pudding... yep, it's a fan-frickin'-tastic recipe now BABY! Look out Rachel Ray, I'm gonna be a star!"

I think maybe I'll come up with a Dumb Facebook Recipe. Perhaps I can make it go viral! It seems all the idiots can do it... why not good ol' Jared?!

Grinding My Gears! - Lane Thieves

Good evening everyone! I'd like to start a new series of articles here called...

On today's Grinding My Gears!, the topic is Lane Thieves.

Have you ever come to a single lane stop sign or traffic light while driving, only to be suddenly surprised on your left or right by some pushy ignoramus wanting to turn at the same time? It's as if they think there are two turn lanes at the stop, when in fact there is only one single lane. Are they even paying attention to how the road is (or more importantly is NOT) divided? 

I encounter fools like this all the time at a local shopping center. Those of you whom live close to me will surely know what I'm referring to.

Click for a larger image.

At the local Alamance Crossing Shopping Center, there is a three-way stop in front of Target. The traffic that is traveling out of the shopping center has a stop sign, as seen in the crudely drawn map above (click it for a bigger image). All vehicles must yield to the incoming traffic, which does not stop (though some idiots do -- DON'T STOP). On busy days, the outgoing traffic can back up quite a ways, making it very difficult to escape the shopping center. On multiple occasions, including today, I have encountered an idiot whom thinks there are two lanes at the stop sign.

There is only one lane per side of the road in this shopping center. Two cars can not stop at the sign at the same time. If you try to pull beside another car already waiting at the stop sign, it causes confusion and potentially an accident (of which I know of two that have happened in this exact location). Just because a lane is wide enough to accommodate two vehicles does not mean two can stop and wait to turn or go straight.

Whenever I approach a stop sign or light, I purposefully try to occupy as much of the lane as possible. This is to prevent another jerk-wad from pulling by me on either side and trying to turn when I do. This has annoyed some drivers in the past, especially in the case of this particular shopping center stop. While the entire line of cars in front of and behind me will keep to the far right of the lane (which allows morons to try and pull two wide at the stop sign), I drive down the very center of the lane. That's nearly a full car width out of line with the other drivers, but it prevents the Lane Thieves from breaking common traffic laws. I've been cursed and had horns honked at me, but I don't care. Quit enabling assholes, I say.

You know why most folks don't like me coming to stop signs the proper way? Because they would try and pull up at the same time, just like every other crappy driver.

What these fools fail to realize is this...

Only one car per lane at a time can make an action at a stop (unless there are designated turn lanes, of course). If two cars try to make an action at the same stop in the same lane, then they run the risk of blinding the other driver's line of sight. They might not see a turning vehicle from another lane. Or, they might cause another lane's driver to make an improper motion, thereby inhibiting traffic flow or incurring an accident.

So stop pulling up beside other drivers at single lane stop lights and signs, would you? You're being a self-absorbed nitwit.