Let's Talk About Passing Gas.

In my article from yesterday, I discussed how protein shakes have been integrated into my meal plan. With that comes some readjustment in my digestive tract, along with a slight bit of stomach discomfort. Though, my article today isn't about that. It's more so a side story.

Today... let's talk about flatulence.

When I purchased my new Jeep in February of this year, I made a commitment to myself -- no passing gas in the new vehicle.

Go ahead... laugh. Get it out.

Feel better? Okay. :-D

So far, I've kept to my promise. Not once have I let one rip inside my Jeep. This isn't just for the comfort of any passengers, but also to prevent any leftover odors from lingering in my driver seat.

You're laughing again. That's to be expected. I'll continue.

My digestive tract has been particularly bound up the past few days, with little action on the backside, if you catch my drift. All of that changed today. While out shopping, I noticed some activity stirring in my undercarriage. Lo and behold... I developed a hurricane strength level of flatulence while walking around. It took everything I had to bottle it! Upon getting outside, I finally released some pressure. A moment later, I thought I was done.

Oh no, things were just getting warmed up.

As if a massive turbine suddenly sparked to life, I couldn't stop breaking wind. When I made it to my car, I thought I was finished. As I was about to sit down in my driver seat, I felt another wave of gas hit me. I jumped from my cabin with a flash and did my business outside. Taking my seat again, I was about to start my car. NOPE! More gas! I hopped out again and kept my promise.

NO FARTING IN MY JEEP!

You may be asking yourself...

"Jared, why in the hell are you talking about passing gas?"

I'll tell you why. It's because we all do it. You. Me. The dog. Your mother. Your wife. Men. Women. Kids. Birds. Alligators. Dinosaurs.

We all fart. I'm not ashamed to admit it and neither should you. That being said, I believe we should all try a little bit harder to not pass gas in our vehicles.

What's the point of this article? Honestly, I have no idea. Maybe I'm trying to improve the resale value of automobiles. Maybe I think farting is funny. Either way, I hope I made you smile just a little bit.

*toot*

A Prick in a No Parking Zone.

As some of you may have read earlier in the week, I had a trip planned for today. I awoke at a brisk 4 AM this morning in preparation for a drive to Charlotte, North Carolina. I had a toy and hobby show to attend at 9 AM and an early start was required. Alternatively, it was nice to take the new Jeep for a long drive and prove its mettle. Though, this has nothing to do with my article this evening.

Instead, I turn my focus to a single photograph.

I snapped this photo while in the Cheshire Place Shopping Center on WT Harris Boulevard in Charlotte this morning. The green Buick you see in the center of the photo had just insanely whipped in front of me after blowing through an intersection. After cutting before me, he hurriedly slammed on brakes and parked in this No Parking zone. While not something I welcome, encounters with terrible drivers are nothing unfamiliar to me. Nay, what particularly perturbed me about this incident was the rush to plop his vehicle in a clearly marked No Parking zone.

Let's evaluate what the problem is...

You see, almost all retail businesses, restaurants, etc. have a No Parking zone in front of their establishment; it's required by law. As such, they are appropriately signed to let drivers know not to park there.

These placards do not take into consideration assholes like this guy.

Instead of parking in the parking lot like all the other customers, this guy decided that putting his vehicle in the No Parking zone was the appropriate place to leave his car. I mean... why read the sign that's on the building? Much less... WHY READ THE FRICKIN' NO PARKING SIGN RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR CAR ON A BRIGHT ORANGE HAZARD CONE?!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

It's unfortunate that this business has been forced to put cones in the No Parking zone just to keep pricks like this guy from parking there. But, it's obvious that even the brightly-colored cones aren't enough to prohibit such callous and disrespectful behavior.

And this, my friends, is where I make my point.

In one photograph, I have somehow elegantly surmised the pitiful state of our dear nation. I got lucky, no doubt about it. The truth contained within is stark. Americans have become impertinent, negligent and altogether arrogant.

The hazard cone tactic has obviously failed. There's only one logical response.

Lethal, genetically modified giant guard scorpions.

Why is Your Snowman Square?

Today was a good day.

Here in North Carolina, we received approximately five to seven inches of snow overnight. While nothing to get frantic over (it's just snow), I always welcome a heavy dose of the cold white stuff.

Needless to say, Crystal and I made no waste of the frozen precipitation. After debating what to make with the snow (a snow man was too predictable), we went with a Rubix cube.

Which then morphed into just a standard box for sitting on.

Upon which, Crystal crushed it with tremendous force. She was most harsh in her unrelenting destruction.

As I said, today was a good day. Ice Cube would approve.

On the new Jeep front, it handled quit well pulling out of my driveway. Unfortunately, the local road crews had plowed the snow off the roads quickly, so I couldn't take the new wheels out for some donuts. Alas, that must wait for another day.

The Deed is Done!

HAHA! Fooled you. No, I didn't buy an Ice Cream Truck.

After a long day of negotiating, this guy is once again mobile. Starting around lunch time today and continuing to roughly 5:00 PM, Crystal and I negotiated with a dealership in Greensboro over a vehicle on our short list. It was tough and they didn't want to budge too much, but we finally got the price down to a number that we were comfortable with.

And to think... the last bargaining chip we needed was a spare tire.

I won't make you wait any longer to see my new vehicle. The suspense must be killing you.




Wait for it...




Wait for it...




Waaaaaaaaait...




Okay, seriously Jared, you're being obnoxious.

Go ahead and congratulate yourself. You now know a guy with a Jeep. That's right -- the new ride is a 2015 Jeep Cherokee Sport. It has a rare Southwest Option Package, which includes larger 17" custom alloys, full window tinting, custom silver roof rails, spoiler, a satellite radio and radio control buttons on the steering wheel -- amongst a host of other things not usually found on the Sport trim level. All of these options are very rare on a Cherokee Sport (trust me, we looked all over the east coast). In fact, it's so rare that the dealership didn't even know they had it on their lot until we pointed it out (it pays to do your own research). To find all of this together on a vehicle that actually has been painted a color instead of a shade... well that's just super! The Deep Cherry Red paint job is sexy -- yes, I said sexy. Considering the space it has inside, the above average gas mileage, a nine-speed transmission which drives smoothly and an engine with way more power than I'm used to... I'd say this is definitely an upgrade over the PT Cruiser.

Back to that spare tire I mentioned -- the dealer finally met me at my desired price when they informed me that they couldn't obtain a spare tire and jack kit. That saved $500 off the bottom line and placed it in the acceptable purchase price zone. Considering I can get the spare kit for a few hundred bucks, it was worth it (perhaps for even less if I scour a couple salvage yards).

The funny part? I've now completed the MOPAR trifecta. I have owned a Dodge, a Chrysler and now a Jeep.

Expect updates on my upcoming adventures in the coming days. I know I'll be taking a trip to Charlotte on Saturday.

FINALLY!

Negotiating a Deal.

The journey for a new set of wheels continues...

I sat down today with a local salesman to discuss some numbers on the Nissan Rogue. It's a great vehicle with a lot of potential, but the price for it seems to differ wildly from dealership to dealership. Needless to say, I wasn't too happy with the initial price that I was given. Per what the salesman said, the price he offered on this Rogue only included $100 in profit for him. Because the exact vehicle I would want is located in Charlotte on another dealer's lot, I was told that the price would be higher. Of course, I was not comfortable with the initial offer presented. In response, the salesman made a pitch concerning the same model on their own lot, just in a different color -- dark grey. On this vehicle, he presented an offer that was two thousand dollars less than the previous. Though, it was still higher than what I want to pay for a vehicle. Considering there are similar competitor vehicles available for a few thousand dollars less (specifically the Jeep Cherokee), I am under no pressure to purchase the Rogue.

My logic on the matter is this -- if I'm going to spend $25,000 on a vehicle, I at least would like to get what I want. Why spend that much money on a vehicle I don't really want?

In this instance, I wanted a blue Rogue SV with a moon roof and fog lamps.

What irks me the most is when salesman say that white, black, grey or silver are the best colors to buy. They claim that they retain the highest resale value and look the best when dirty. I wonder... have these guys ever seen a dirty white car? A dirty silver or black car? They look terrible! Not to mention, why not drive something with a little bit of color? Has humanity become so dull and lifeless? They might have a higher resale value, but is it because dealerships keep telling us that this is so? Talk about controlling the narrative. Shoppers need to show a little more originality when buying a vehicle. Refrain from conforming to the accepted norm. Do what suits you! Want a yellow convertible? Go for it. Want a pink station wagon? Lovely.

Not to mention, where did all the station wagons go in the United States? That's a whole other gripe of mine.

The next time you get on the road, I want you to take notice of the private passenger (non-commercial) vehicles that pass you. Spend a few good minutes watching the colors of cars that you see. You'll notice a trend -- most cars on the road are not a color, but a shade. White, black, grey and silver are the most popular paint jobs on vehicles. You might see the occasional red vehicle, maybe a blue. Green, orange or yellow? Maybe one or two in an entire day. And don't even get me started on poor old purple (my favorite color). Auto manufacturers are racist as hell when it comes to the most royal of colors.

One of my dream cars - a purple 1950 Studebaker Champion. I have a thing for a bullet nose on a car. 

Back to the events of today...

Before I left the dealership, the general manager came in to negotiate. He offered to get the blue Rogue in Charlotte and sell it for the same price as the one on the lot. Suddenly, the Rogue in Charlotte was worth two thousand dollars less. How quickly the story changed in just a span of half an hour! Add on top of that offers of zero percent financing (which I don't need because I already have cash and financing) and free regular maintenance -- they thought a sale was certain to be made.

Nope, I walked away and said I had to think it over for a day.

Seriously, consider this for a bit -- if there were two thousand dollars worth of wiggle room in a vehicle that's not even on their lot, how much actual wiggle room is there on the vehicle that is on their lot? At the end of it all, I still don't want to spend over twenty grand on a car that isn't what suits me. This holds especially true when I can get a similar car for less with another manufacturer.

At this point, I'm half way tempted to just buy an old car and have it restored for half the price of what I'd pay for a new vehicle. That's what I really want to do anyway!

The quest will begin again tomorrow!

The Ups and Downs of Car Shopping.

I experienced two extremes today in terms of shopping for a new vehicle. I'll start today's article with the negative experience, but end on a positive note.

First, the bad...

2015 Toyota RAV4

Crystal and I went to check out a Toyota RAV4 at the local Cox Toyota dealership. Our salesman, whom was initially polite and answered all of our questions, soon morphed into a belligerent salesman whom wouldn't take no for an answer. From the onset of our encounter, he was directly informed that we would not impulsively buy a vehicle on the spot. We wanted to look at all of the vehicles on our short list of candidates, of which the RAV4 was one. Only after evaluating all of the potential candidates would we make a final decision. We test drove the RAV4 and liked it reasonably well (though, it has not proven to be one of our final selections for reasons unrelated to the salesman). Upon returning to the dealership, we asked if he could provide a breakdown of the general prices on each trim level of the vehicle for comparison sake. After vanishing and making us wait for twenty minutes, he returned with a data sheet. This sheet concerned one of the models he had on the dealership lot, which he felt perfectly fit our needs. How he knew what would be a perfect fit for us, I have no idea -- that's a decision only myself and Crystal can make. He then began his sales pitch, assuming we were ready to buy the vehicle he selected. When we tried to compare the RAV4 to other models we were considering, he immediately spoke ill of them. HELLO -- when you do that, it implies that we're idiots for considering them! Needless to say, this salesman was in for a surprise. I had to reiterate that we were not buying the vehicle on the spot, but merely evaluating it for purchase. After a few rounds of him second guessing our judgment, tossing out-of-date consumer reports at us and generally throwing a tantrum, we walked out. Because of this salesman's behavior, I wouldn't buy any vehicle from Cox Toyota just on principle. They lost our business... permanently. And to think -- none of this had anything to do with the quality of the RAV4.

Now, to the good...

2015 Nissan Rogue

Later this afternoon, we visited our local Carolina Nissan dealership. Another vehicle on our short list of prospects was the Nissan Rogue. I had previously spoken with our salesman a few days ago for a minute or two. He provided me with a booklet concerning the Rogue's specs, which is what incurred me to include it on our short list. Not once did he ever try to tie up my time and lure me into a sales pitch. I took the booklet, shook his hand and left. Today, he was very polite and prompt. This salesman answered all of our questions about the vehicle and showed us every nook and cranny. We sat together in the Rogue and he went over each and every detail about the interior. Then, we completed a test drive. What I appreciated about this salesman was that he remained quiet for the majority of the ride. He allowed Crystal and I to take the Rogue in and let it "sell itself". After we got back to the dealership, the salesman asked us into his office, explained the different prices on the trims, and told us that he would appreciate the chance to do business with us if we deemed the Rogue worthy. He was not pushy, nor brash, nor did he make assumptions about what we wanted. This salesman let us ask questions -- not only about the Rogue, but other vehicles we were considering as well. He spoke highly of some of the other candidates and said they were just as good (if not better in some areas) than the Rogue. The fact that he didn't bad-mouth the other models on our list reflected well upon his nature. Instead of trying to knock the other guy down, he instead chose to lift his own product up. I like that in a salesman. He had the confidence in his own product to let it speak for itself. Because he was so gracious and realistic, combined with the fact that the Rogue was fantastic to drive, we've now moved this particular vehicle into the finalist category.

I'm a considerate and realistic guy. I realize that a salesman is selling a product to earn a living. I can respect that -- being a salesman is a difficult job where you really get to see people at their best and worst. Even though I don't sell cars, I'm a salesman myself -- I can completely relate. Yet, a salesman also has to realize that they don't have a product that's right for everyone. As the old saying goes... one man's trash is another man's treasure. If you can be polite, answer my questions and let me judge the vehicle for itself, then perhaps you'll get a sale out of it.

Being a salesman is like going fishing. Sometimes you don't even get a nibble. Sometimes you get a few nibbles, but nothing takes the hook. Sometimes you get lucky and reel the fish in. It's just the nature of the beast.

That being said -- if we decide to purchase the Rogue, I'll only buy it from the gentlemen I spoke with today. By not aggressively selling the Rogue, he sold the Rogue. Do you get what I'm saying? You attract more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Farewell My Friend.

There's an empty space in my driveway where my PT Cruiser used to be.

My 2008 Chrysler PT Cruiser Touring Edition

As lame as it may sound, I feel a little sad inside. That car served me well over the past five years. Now, it resides in the care of an old grandma. The running gag over the years is that I was driving an old woman's car; perhaps that joke was right. But... I don't care. I could have traded the Cruiser in towards a new vehicle, but I certainly was able to demand a higher price by selling it privately.

Sure, it's just a car you might say. And you'd be right... it is just a car. If anything, I'm nostalgic; I have a hard time letting things go. This situation is no different. I know it's for the best, but there's a little piece of me missing. The act of letting go gets me a tiny bit down. I'd wanted a PT Cruiser since the moment they were released in 2000. I can remember seeing prototype images during my senior year of high school and instantly falling in love. The PT Cruiser was designed to invoke the styling of older classic coupes from the 1930's and 1940's. I finally bought one in 2009 -- nearly a decade later. I'd have purchased one much sooner, but even my own father didn't want me to get one when I was younger. Nine years and one Dodge Stratus Coupe later (the EVO-BOT... I miss you too), I finally had one of my own.

Tonight, I'll toast my former chariot and wish it well in it's new life. May the Cruiser's wheels always roll straight and it's engine never struggle.

Now... I need to find a new ride.