Monday, March 11, 2013

Time for an upgrade.

I believe my journey into a written dialogue about my past has generated a positive influence on my daily life. That's not to say that I don't have eruptions of anger; I still find myself fuming over simple and mostly insignificant matters. Yet, I've seen improvement in how often these moments come, as well as how long these bouts of anger last. Perhaps facing all of this built-up aggression (as well as depression) in a very public and honest manner was a good idea after all.

In regards to how public I've been with my past, I never suspected that I'd be willing to open up in such a way. I spent decades hiding these facets of my life from the world. I got so good at covering this information up that much of it has been lost to time. While I can be very sociable and vocal with folks, that's always been a degree of me "putting on my game face" to get through life.

The man on the inside has never really been well represented by the man on the outside.

This journey I'm currently undertaking is a way to make these two different versions of Jared meet. There are parts of my outer self that I really like -- able to read people, knowledgeable on social commentary, comedic, friendly. I want to incorporate these traits into my inner self. Even better, I want to replace painful and negative pieces of my being -- highly critical at times, easily enraged, prone to self-punishment. Am I working on Jared 2.0? I think so. I've been long overdue for an upgrade. I compare it to installing Windows 8 on your old computer that's still running Windows 98 -- it's impossible without also replacing your core hardware.

I am the man robotica.

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