Death Rides a Tractor.

I often find myself in discussions about how wonderful it must be to live on a farm. And yet, I routinely bite my tongue, make some half-hearted agreeing response, and put on a fake smile. They have no earthly idea how well acquainted I am with death and the inexplicable black cloud that has followed me for six years now. Having a farm is the hardest thing I've ever done as an adult, and I tolerate my existence most days.

The reaper practically has a seat at my dinner table.

In the past four years, all five of my barn cats have either mysteriously disappeared or died under suspicious circumstances. Four of them were brothers -- Scrapper, Nomad, Smudge, and Splash. They were sweet, hand-raised, and loved attention. They didn't bother anyone. They didn't prowl on other people's property. They were neutered while kittens and couldn't contribute to a wildly out-of-control pet population (of which their mother Karen, a very sweet gal totally abandoned by one of our neighbors WHILE PREGNANT, is another barn cat that CHOSE US to care for her). We invested time, resources, money, and most importantly love into those four brothers. Splash was the last one left... but he's also missing now and I fear the worst. A precedent has been set. My gut tells me he's not coming back.

The other missing cat is Kiki, who was an absolute sweetheart that melted the ice around my heart for cats. For the longest while, I was heavily adverse to cats because I'm allergic to them. Kiki changed me in a way that cannot be explained; she made me a cat person. I get cats and I think they get me... and I owe that to Kiki.

I'd chalk one loss up to an accident. Sure, accidents happen and I accept that. Or, perhaps one could have been killed by a wild animal. That's a possibility, though I doubt it because we have two very large Great Pyrenees that patrol this property and have successfully kept even the coyotes at bay since their arrival. We owe Nibbler and Sherlock a lot for their dutiful protection.

Two cats go missing? Okay, that's atypical but could still be marked up to chance.

Three?
Four?
FIVE CATS?!

No, something is going on. Someone around our farm is either kidnapping or outright murdering our barn cats. Kiki, Smudge, Nomad, and Splash simply vanished without a trace. We found Scrapper dead in the floor of our barn, with no explanation as to how or why he passed away. He had no physical trauma. It just doesn't make any sense. There are holes in my heart and I don't have any answers. Resolution isn't something I can have.

Pile on top of that two very beloved dogs that passed away in their old age in 2020 and 2021 -- Mellow and Echo are still with me in spirit and they're on my mind every day. Along with them are two of our dear goats that passed from absolute one-in-a-million situations; Clover had an inexplicable THIRTEEN knots in her bowels from severe intestinal torsion and Mozzarella got one of the rarest forms of cancer an animal can get (the local university vet hospital had never even seen it before). Add to that the number of stillborn baby goats that I've lost count of. Even the death of some of our ducks has hit us. The loss just never seems to end.

I have (and still do) loved every one of these animals. They mean the world to me. Not being able to protect them has beat me down in ways that I never thought possible. Most days I run through the motions, trying to find ways to distract myself from the crushing nature of my reality. It's been hard (and I mean HARD), and I've not talked about it except with my closest loved ones. If not for the love and care that my family has provided, I don't know if I'd still be here today writing this.

So no, having a farm isn't all sunflowers and watermelons; it's a lot of heartbreak and disappointment, tears and blood. With death, I am undesirably comfortable. His skeletal visage seems to rear his head every few months to remind me of my own mortality.

Hug your furry loved ones tonight. Tell them you love them.

REAL-TIME EDIT: As I was about to publish this blog, one of my outdoor security cameras triggered. There was Splash, meandering behind my house. I can tell he's a bit skittish and somewhat afraid of everything at the moment, which adds credence to my theory that SOMETHING is going on around here to my animals. Maybe Splash hadn't used up all of his nine lives yet, though. Thank goodness he came back.

Even in the darkest of days, the bright eyes of a cat sit glowing in the distance as two small specks of hope.