Tuesday, August 4, 2015

I Hate Onions.

I like food. My palate is highly diverse. Whether it be from the ocean or the sky, crawls on four legs or has an exoskeleton, I'm a fan of eating pretty much anything.

Except onions... I hate onions.

My own personal hell.

If growing up in the South has taught me anything, it's that folks around here love to put onions in everything. They put onions in or on (and yes, I've ran into all of these personally):
  • Macaroni and Cheese
  • Meatloaf
  • Chili
  • Stir-Fry
  • Spaghetti
  • Pizza
  • Ice Cream
  • French Fries
  • Mashed Potatoes
  • Chicken Soup
  • Tacos
  • Garden Salads
  • Hot Dogs
  • Steak
  • Eggs
  • Corn Pudding
  • Hamburgers
  • Slow-Cooker Roast Beef or Pork
  • perhaps the grossest of all... Onion Jam
Why all the love for onions? I have two chief complaints with them.
  1. Onions are all filler. They take up space in a recipe or on a dish when other, more flavorful ingredients could be used. Onions are cheap and help to pad a dish out, making it look bigger and better than what it really is. You see, Onions are the Jar Jar Binks of the culinary world -- pointless, without any substance and ultimately a waste of your time. 
  2. It's not the taste of onions that bothers me; it's their texture. I can't stand how waxy and hard they are when you crunch down on them. Even worse is when onions have been partially cooked and develop a wet, slimy coating. The sensation of an onion in my mouth is enough to make me barf. It's the same reasoning as to why I won't eat cooked peas or green peppers -- they feel excruciatingly gross in my mouth.
The thought of putting an onion into my gullet hole is enough to turn me away from a restaurant. So often I encounter dishes at restaurants that have onions included in them, wherein I would never expect them to be. I believe this is largely a reflection of agriculture in the South -- onions grow really well here. To this day, onion farming in the Southern region is still a big business. Which came first, though? The onion farming, or the love for eating onions? To that question, I have no clue. Either way, I don't care.

Onions suck. 

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