Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Mistakes To Avoid On New Year's Eve.

As the end of 2015 waits right around the corner, the hopefulness of New Year's Eve gleams with a renewed sense of opportunity and a clean slate. Of course, it's also the perfect time of year to make a massive mistake. In an effort to better serve the public (and to perhaps make you laugh a little), here are some tips for improving your New Year's Eve.

Don't call your ex. Sure, you're out partying with your friends and drunk off your ass, but no matter how bad you want some booty, do not hit your ex up. You will only regret your poor decision the next day, rolling off their grungy bed and trying to find your underwear in their refrigerator. Sure, we all get a little horny when we drink. And of course, New Year's Eve is a magical time where everything seems to be alright. It's not. Go ahead and delete their number from your phone right now before you slip up.

Tequila is not your friend. When it comes to alcoholic beverages, tequila is a sneaky bastard. That Mexican fire-water fools you with its slightly sweet, bold citrus flavor. Come on, have another shot. I'm tasty, man. Yeah... sure. Six rounds later and you're face down in a dive-bar toilet that's so disgusting even your perverted Uncle Leo would never crap in it.

A man will say anything to get in your pants. "I work for Goldman Sachs." "I drive a Beamer." "I graduated from Dartmouth." "I'm a feminist." These and many other phrases will leave the mouth of every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet on New Year's Eve. Don't believe any of it. These guys don't just want to see one ball drop... they want to see TWO drop.

A woman will say anything to get free drinks. Likewise to you men out there, a woman will say and do anything to have you pay for her drinks all night long. Don't let her plunging cleavage perform a jedi mind trick on your common sense. A push-up bra is a damn powerful weapon. And remember... she's only rubbing against your thigh because you're giving her free martinis.

Wear clean underwear. You don't know who is going to see your bare ass this evening. Better make sure the package you deliver it in doesn't look like a used mud wrestling towel.

You're not as good at (insert social activity) as you think. Whether it's poker, bowling, billiards or beer pong, please refrain from being a cocky participant. No one wants to spend New Year's Eve with an egotistical, hyper-competitive blowhard that can't have fun. Play a little fast a loose, with a sense of humility for good measure. Everyone just wants to have a good time. Don't ruin it by being a douche-bag.

Getting too drunk is no fun for anyone. Having a few drinks on New Year's Eve is a wonderful idea. Yet, don't get slobbering, unable-to-stay-conscious drunk. If you're around people you're not too cozy with, you run a high chance of being abandoned or left to choke on your own vomit. Alternatively, becoming too drunk around your friends, date or spouse is extremely rude. Don't ruin someone else's evening because you can't control your alcohol intake. Trust me... I speak from experience on this one.

Don't mope at home alone. I've been down this route folks. Being alone on New Year's Eve is terribly depressing. Start the new year with a positive attitude and carry it into the coming months. The quickest way to ruin your life is by being a self-loathing sour-puss. If you don't have any friends to party the night away with, go out and make some now, before it's too late!

And, most importantly...

Don't drink and drive. In all seriousness, please don't murder someone because you decided to be an irresponsible shithead. Have a designated driver or call a taxi. Ruining two or more lives over a night of debauchery just isn't worth it.

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