Monday, June 6, 2016

5 Tips For Being A Real American!

There sure are a lot of wimps out in the world today. I look around and wonder... what happened to my 'Murica?! Rest assured, I've got it all figured out. Immigrants aren't the problem. The media isn't the problem. Hell, politicians aren't even the problem. So what is the problem?

We've gotten too damn soft.

As such, here's a quick tutorial on how to be a real American!

Tip #1: Always wear a tank top. This applies to chicks just as much as dudes. Show your guns as much as virtually possible. Big guns. Little guns. Guns with crappy tribal tattoos. Guns with droopy armpit fat. SHOW 'EM! Bonus GI Joe points for accompanying side-boob or wicked scars. Bonus Bonus points for actually carrying a gun with your guns.

Tip #2: Use exclamation points at the end of every sentence! Doesn't matter what you're talking about! Grandma's dying of tuberculosis! You lost your foot in a freak lawnmower accident! You scored an 80 on your math final and passed the class with relative ease! It burns when I pee! You're an American, so everything you say is obviously important! Ex!clam!!!!atio!!ns!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tip #3: Break the rules. See what I just did there? I broke my own rule from the previous tip. Rules are for sheep willing to do whatever they're told. Don't be a sheep. Wait, screw that... be a sheep. Breaking the rules is cool.

Tip #4: Everything is better with hot sauce. Quit letting your tongue be a limp coward. Put hot sauce on your eggs, tacos and fish. Douse it over your mashed potatoes and broccoli. Hell, you're not even livin' if you haven't placed a fat ol' drop of hot sauce in your favorite cocktail. Burn that mother up! See that baby up there drinking the hot sauce straight? Yeah, 100% commander-in-chief material. I'm gonna write in 'Bad Ass Toddler' for President.

Tip #5: Condoms are for foreigners. You've got the blood of Uncle Sam pulsating through every pore in your body. As such, you need to spread your freedom-lovin' genetics as much as virtually possible. Making babies is quintessentially American. You get a fetus! You get a fetus! You get a fetus! Point, aim and fire your flag-flyin' baby maker at every womb or flesh salami that'll allow you to. Sure, you might catch the HIV (rhymes with give) or some other disgusting case of crotch rot, but that's the price you pay to live in the greatest god damn country on Earth. Your genitals might fall off, but your patriotism will live on forever!

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