Tuesday, January 22, 2013

I'm just a hack.

I'm feeling pretty good today. Or at least so I thought.

I packed some customer shipments and went to the post office. Worked a little bit on my store inventory, too. I also finally finished a really freaky and enthralling graphic novel I've been reading - The Furry Trap from Josh Simmons (check out his blog here). If you know me well... and some of you do... then you know that my particular tastes in comics can venture out into the land of weird and horrific. Trust me, The Furry Trap continues that trend.

As I finished the book, I came to feel a deep sense of regret. Why have I not published my own comic yet? Where did I leave the path? What took me away from my lifelong goal of being a comic creator? Now don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE what I currently do. Setting up my own vintage toy business is one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life. I'm my own boss. I set my own hours. I control what I sell and how I sell it. No longer am I trapped working for a bank that I have major ethical conflicts with. Literally, creating The Cybertron Armory is one of the accomplishments I'm most proud of in life. But... for years, all I wanted was to be a published comic creator. Eventually, I guess I just gave up on myself. There were numerous lies I'd tell my inner being... I'm not talented enough... no one would read my work... I'm just a hack with no real vision... the list could go on and on. Yet, here's a comic filled with strange stories, unique art and a singular vision. If this creator could do it, then why haven't I? What is holding me back from making something all my own?


It's the only true answer. No... the only answer I've never wanted to accept. This absolutely infuriates me. Here I am... thirty years old. In thirty years time, I haven't been able to publish my own comic. THIRTY YEARS! That's a long time! Consider this... in the same thirty year span I could have gotten my own comic published:

- A man of color finally became President.
- We've had three Robocop feature films, and the remake is about to come out later this year.
- Two wars have been fought in the Middle East.
- The US Military has confronted Saddam Hussein twice.
- The Berlin Wall and the Soviet Union both fell.
- I've owned not one, not two, but seven different Nintendo Game Boys.
- Duke Nukem Forever was finally released. The video game that was never to be finished... was finished.
- Family Guy was created, flopped, then got canceled, then was shown in reruns and became successful, then got brought back to life again.
- Speaking of animated programs, we got King of the Hill for thirteen seasons... no one will ever top that show.

My point is this - I've had plenty of time to become a big shot comic creator. Hell, not even a big shot... just a good creator. Yet, all I've managed to do in thirty years is keep myself from completing my goal. This dilemma is not just filled with deep-seeded anger with myself, but it's filled with pure, unfiltered disappointment.

I have to admit it to myself and the rest of the world. Perhaps I'm scared of success. Deep down, something has told me that I don't deserve to be as successful as I can be. Something has programmed me to be afraid of what I can become.

Maybe Yoda has some insight for me...

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”


Fear does lead to anger. It seems I'm living proof of that. That damn green, big-eared puppet was right.



1 comment:

  1. Sad but true. I feel the same way when it comes to my writing. I was sure I'd be a successful novelist by age 18... damn 18 was a long time ago. You write your comic and I'll write my novel. Then we'll prove to ourselves that we deserve to be successful, and we will have done it on our own and for us only :) I'm already at 24,000 words... how many comic box/balloon/thingamajigs do you have? Catch me if you can!