Thursday, January 17, 2013

Pulling the zipper.

I have a hard time expressing myself face to face. At least... expressing myself in a manner that's genuine and not a total facade. Those of you that know me probably understand that aspect of my personality. Prickly. Opinionated. Domineering. I can be pretty hard-headed at times. My personality is... an acquired taste. For those of you that have stuck around, your companionship is appreciated. That being said, my circle of friends and family is not large. In fact, it's downright depressing. I can count my close friends on one hand, with fingers to spare. My family is small. I can't even name many of my extended family members anymore. Literally - I don't [a] know or [b] remember their names. Hell, I don't even know when some of them breed and produce offspring!

Look at that... my first blog post and I'm already rambling. That's what my anger does to me. It's like a persistent poltergeist whispering bad things in my ear, telling me to drive the car off the road.

"Yes, drift into the ditch. Kiss that light pole. Yesssssss."

Anger - it's always with me. Being pissed off is my default gear position. Not neutral, not happy... just pissed-off. Sure, I'll have moments of fleeting happiness and laughter. Plop me down in front of one of my favorite television programs or movies. I laugh my ass off. Those of you that know me can readily recognize my laugh - high pitched, wheezing and obnoxious. Yes, I admit I'm obnoxious at times too. Deal.

But where does my constant fury come from? How did it get there? I can barely remember a time in my life when I wasn't angry about something or someone. As I've aged, it's grown larger. Anger is my tumor. It's a festering boil of contempt and bitterness that shapes my entire environment. Many of you can attest to how I can destroy your good mood. Hell, two of you (you know who you are) just told me that today. For that, I really am sorry. I don't wake up in the morning with a mission to sink your battleship of rainbows and lollipops. It just happens.

If I'm ever going to determine why I stay angry, I think I've got to decipher what made me angry to begin with.

"Won't you help me sing... these songs of freedom. 'Cause all I ever had... Redemption Song."

Sorry, listening to BBC Radio Scotland. Great cover of Bob Marley came on. Poignant moment, though. I could use a little redemption right about now.

1 comment:

  1. Congrats on creating an outlet! I'm envious as I feel my honesty would be used against me and only make my life harder. I hope you can find clarity and peace. I look forward to reading more.