I'm Lovin' It? Not Really.

I have a simple test for you to complete. It involves one challenge. I want you to guess the ingredients in McDonald's french fries. Do it without using an internet search engine. Just go off your gut instincts. How many ingredients are in a french fry from McDonald's?

If you guessed one, two or even three, then you are DEAD WRONG!

Thanks to new industry-wide labeling regulations from the Food and Drug Administration, all restaurants and businesses which serve food at twenty or more locations will have to start making visible the amount of calories in their menu items. These new regulations also require that ingredients in food be made readily available to customers. By the end of 2015, these new regulations will be in full effect all across the country. If you've been to a fast-food restaurant like McDonald's recently, then you've noticed that the way in which they present their menu choices may have changed. This is directly related to the oncoming new FDA regulations -- don't let them fool you. Restaurants like McDonald's simply decided to get ahead of the curve and attempt to put a positive spin on the mandated changes. As such, this is fantastic news for the American consumer.

Now... back to those french fries.

Shockingly, there are SEVENTEEN ingredients in McDonald's french fries. Here they are:

1. Potatoes - At least part of the fries are real food.
2. Canola Oil - This is the chief bonding agent in the fries which makes them hold their shape.
3. Hydrogenated Soybean Oil - Highly saturated and one of the worst things you can ever consume.
4. Safflower Oil - One of the healthiest of cooking oils on its own, but unfortunately McDonald's heats it to such a high temperature that it alters the compound of the oil, thereby turning it into an inflammatory chemical. Ever had bad gas or digestive pain after eating at McDonald's? This is why.
5. "Natural" Flavor - A secret mixture of proprietary flavors protected by copyright law. Essentially - they're not going to tell you because the law can't make them. Based upon previous chemical analysis performed by third party research groups, it's suspected that monosodium glutamate (MSG) is one of the key components.
6. Dextrose - Sugar... because french fries apparently needed that.
7. Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate - Used for "coloring" the fries. Most chemical industry standards regulate it as a toxic substance not recommended for consumption.
8. Citric Acid - A preservative to maintain freshness.
9. Dimethylpolysiloxane - An anti-foaming agent that's also regularly used in bathroom caulk as a bonding agent.
10. Vegetable Oil Blend - This is actually another proprietary blend of seven different ingredients, of which there are various other oils and the nearly-unpronounceable chemical tert-butylhydroquinone (TBHQ). The scary thing about TBHQ is that it's been definitively linked to asthma, hormone malfunction, various skin diseases and cancer.

Apparently, french fries need to be a deadly chemical cocktail before they can be served to you. Who knew?!

Be on the lookout for menu changes at your favorite dining establishment. Hopefully, this will influence how often people consume fast food. Though, considering how lazy and pathetic most Americans are... I doubt it. Personally, I'm eager for people to finally see how many calories they're consuming at Starbucks. You're just drinking syrup folks.

People Watching at Starbucks.

I had an appointment with someone today whom I was buying a large lot of Nintendo games from. They asked to meet me at a Starbucks in Greensboro, to which I happily obliged. I arrived roughly twenty minutes early. With nothing else better to do but wait, I was able to people watch. Accordingly, I made some interesting observations about the various customers going in and out of Starbucks.

Starbucks on Battleground Ave., Greensboro, NC.

• Obviously prissy girls like to sit outside at the metal picnic tables and drink their coffee. Never mind the fact that it was below forty degrees and rainy, they had to be seen in their North Face jackets and UGG boots.
• I saw more Mercedes and BMW vehicles pull up than at any other normal business establishment.
• Spotting a person of color was next to impossible, except for the employees I could see through the storefront of Starbucks.
• What is it with middle-aged women and funky haircuts? They seem to go for swirled blond hairdos that are short and sit high up on their skulls. It looks like their hair-dresser phoned it in and placed their head in a blender.
• I saw quite a few girls in short skirts and leggings, but also with fluffy boots, heavy coats and scarves. If they're so damn cold, why would they wear a skimpy skirt with leggings?
• A large number of customers exiting Starbucks had the most soured-up look on their face. What made them so unhappy? Is the coffee terrible... or were they sad that their drink cost as much as a pound of tasty pastrami?
• No one holds doors for anyone these days. The guys were especially guilty of this. Be a gentleman and hold a door for a woman, would you?
• Drivers are terrible about letting other vehicles back out of parking spaces to exit the lot. The more expensive the car, the more likely they were to zip past a person trying to back up (one almost caused an accident).
• Only two families went into Starbucks with children. With both instances, the kids were screaming, crying and generally being little pricks.

What does all of this say about Starbucks customers? My conclusion is this -- a fair number of Starbucks frequenters are inconsiderate, self-absorbed meat-heads whom only patronize their establishment because it's a signifier of their supposed superior status. Give me a break!

I hope you choke on it.

Full disclosure -- I have never purchased anything from Starbucks in my thirty-two years of existence. I have more sense than that.

White People Problems.

I want to preface my article this evening with a warning -- it is a work of comedy. I will be making fun of Caucasian-Americans... also known as "white people". Those of you that know me well can readily attest to the fact that I do not believe in the notion of race. All of humanity is one in the same. There are no boundaries between people other than those we place upon ourselves. There is only one "race"... the human race. That being said, please sit back and enjoy what I find to be quite hilarious. If you get offended... well, you've been warned.

How irritating are white people? They seem to experience problems and difficulties that are either absurd, trivial or downright non-issues. Let's discuss some "White People Problems" and laugh, shall we? Good! Let's begin.

Starbucks - How many frickin' times do I have to hear an air-headed white broad scream about getting coffee from Starbucks? Oh, excuse me... it's not coffee, but it's a latte. Run down there and get your overpriced syrup water and waste a ton of money, you shallow dimwit. With the amount of money your typical white girl spends at Starbucks in a month on sugary pumpkin-spice piss, she could purchase a coffee machine, a large supply of coffee and brew her own for half the price. I hope you C-H-O-K-E on it! WHITE PEOPLE!

Candles - Oh look... Amber just spent twenty-five dollars on a Yankee Candle that smells like camel manure! Really?! You can buy candles that smell just as good for much... much... MUCH less. Better yet, why don't you just buy yourself a pine tree shaped air-freshener that smells like your ass? WHITE PEOPLE!

Christmas - Ever notice how white people love to put on pageants and displays of faith at Christmas? Heaven forbid if Jesus or any of his disciples are portrayed by people of color, though. Yet... they're forgetting a simple, important fact -- all the people in the Bible were from the Middle East... where folks are not white! You have to look no further than the new crap-tastic Moses epic "Exodus: Gods and Kings" for proof. It's a movie made by white people, for white people, starring white people... about Africans. WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHITE PEOPLE!

Bread - Some white people have no idea how to spend their money. I know of a dull-minded simpleton that always complains about not having enough money to even buy bread... but her loser husband smokes and she gets $150 haircuts. Go ahead... guess what color she is. I dare you. WHITE PEOPLE!

Golf - Who in the hell stands around to watch someone smack a ball around a giant back yard at a golf tournament? What the hell is wrong with you?! Much less - golf is a sport where the person whom scores the least amount of points is the winner. IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN INVENTED BY A WHITE PERSON! WHITE PEOPLE!

Paying to See Christmas Lights - That's right... some people actually pay good, hard-earned money to see light bulbs. Here's a hint - they're the same people who hate the idea of a dark-skinned Jesus. Here in my locality, there's a particular ritzy gated community that puts on a Christmas Light show every year. It's so big, the city shuts down the road leading into it for traffic. Before you can drive in (on public streets I might add), you have to pay an entrance fee. That's right... white people expect everyone else to buy a ticket to see rays of light. As if their light is better than other light. WHAT?! Do I have to pay if I'm driving through to get to somewhere else? What if I'm walking and not in a vehicle? Where does the money go to? Are these city streets not already paid for and maintained thanks to my tax dollars? Much less, how can you charge a fee for photons to strike the retina and display an IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD? WHITE PEOPLE!

Lotions and Shampoos - Ever notice how white people get entire rows dedicated to their hair, soap and lotion needs? The next time you go into a department store, just take note of how much crap clogs the store shelves for white folk. Shampoo, conditioner, lotion, sunscreen, body wash. Now... take account of how much shelf space is reserved for people of color. It sure as hell is not a lot. Yet, you'll hear some obtuse blonde complain "Ugh, where is my strawberry-scented Fructis?" HELLO - you've got an entire damn aisle dedicated to your hair. WAKE THE HELL UP! WHITE PEOPLE!

Gluten Free Dog Food - If I hear one more white hipster complain that they can't find gluten free dog food in Target (because decent white people don't shop anywhere else), I'm going to scream. WHITE PEOPLE!

Crossfit - When's the last time you saw anyone of color doing Crossfit? YOU HAVEN'T. People of color don't need to work out by throwing tires around and jumping over washing machines. Why? BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE REAL DAMN JOBS THAT MAKE THEM DO WORK! They also work out for free in city parks (which is smart as hell). WHITE PEOPLE!

Weddings - How many times have we all heard some hollow-minded white chick complain about every little detail of her wedding? "OH MY GOD BECKY! MY DRESS IS NOT WHITE ENOUGH! THE WINE IS NOT THE PERFECT TEMPERATURE! MY BRIDESMAIDS ARE NOT IN EXACT ORDER FROM SHORTEST TO TALLEST! MY FATHER BETTER BE HERE WITH THE MERCEDES." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHITE PEOPLE!

Camoflauge - Why in the hell do white people want to put camo on everything they own? Their couch, their hat, their scarf, their purse, their pillows, their bra, their watch, their phone case, their wallet! Hello you dipshits - if your wallet or phone is camo and you lose it in the woods, HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO FIND IT?! Maybe you should try employing a little bit more of that blaze orange and a little less camo. WHITE PEOPLE!

Elizabeth - There are enough white girls in the world named Elizabeth (sorry Brooks). ENOUGH! NO MORE! FINITO! Parents - show some creativity when naming your white baby. When's the last time you met a Vera or a Suzette? What about Ambrosia? Yeah... that's it... name your white baby Ambrosia. WHITE PEOPLE!

Because white people can be so damned stupid, I doubt this will be my last article about them.

Tonight's article was heavily inspired by Crystal. She helps me point out all the stupid crap white folks do. Without her, I would not have been able to write it. Thanks!