How irritating are white people? They seem to experience problems and difficulties that are either absurd, trivial or downright non-issues. Let's discuss some "White People Problems" and laugh, shall we? Good! Let's begin.
Starbucks - How many frickin' times do I have to hear an air-headed white broad scream about getting coffee from Starbucks? Oh, excuse me... it's not coffee, but it's a latte. Run down there and get your overpriced syrup water and waste a ton of money, you shallow dimwit. With the amount of money your typical white girl spends at Starbucks in a month on sugary pumpkin-spice piss, she could purchase a coffee machine, a large supply of coffee and brew her own for half the price. I hope you C-H-O-K-E on it! WHITE PEOPLE!
Candles - Oh look... Amber just spent twenty-five dollars on a Yankee Candle that smells like camel manure! Really?! You can buy candles that smell just as good for much... much... MUCH less. Better yet, why don't you just buy yourself a pine tree shaped air-freshener that smells like your ass? WHITE PEOPLE!
Christmas - Ever notice how white people love to put on pageants and displays of faith at Christmas? Heaven forbid if Jesus or any of his disciples are portrayed by people of color, though. Yet... they're forgetting a simple, important fact -- all the people in the Bible were from the Middle East... where folks are not white! You have to look no further than the new crap-tastic Moses epic "Exodus: Gods and Kings" for proof. It's a movie made by white people, for white people, starring white people... about Africans. WHAAAAAAAAAAT?! WHITE PEOPLE!
Bread - Some white people have no idea how to spend their money. I know of a dull-minded simpleton that always complains about not having enough money to even buy bread... but her loser husband smokes and she gets $150 haircuts. Go ahead... guess what color she is. I dare you. WHITE PEOPLE!
Golf - Who in the hell stands around to watch someone smack a ball around a giant back yard at a golf tournament? What the hell is wrong with you?! Much less - golf is a sport where the person whom scores the least amount of points is the winner. IT HAD TO HAVE BEEN INVENTED BY A WHITE PERSON! WHITE PEOPLE!
Paying to See Christmas Lights - That's right... some people actually pay good, hard-earned money to see light bulbs. Here's a hint - they're the same people who hate the idea of a dark-skinned Jesus. Here in my locality, there's a particular ritzy gated community that puts on a Christmas Light show every year. It's so big, the city shuts down the road leading into it for traffic. Before you can drive in (on public streets I might add), you have to pay an entrance fee. That's right... white people expect everyone else to buy a ticket to see rays of light. As if their light is better than other light. WHAT?! Do I have to pay if I'm driving through to get to somewhere else? What if I'm walking and not in a vehicle? Where does the money go to? Are these city streets not already paid for and maintained thanks to my tax dollars? Much less, how can you charge a fee for photons to strike the retina and display an IMAGE IN YOUR HEAD? WHITE PEOPLE!
Lotions and Shampoos - Ever notice how white people get entire rows dedicated to their hair, soap and lotion needs? The next time you go into a department store, just take note of how much crap clogs the store shelves for white folk. Shampoo, conditioner, lotion, sunscreen, body wash. Now... take account of how much shelf space is reserved for people of color. It sure as hell is not a lot. Yet, you'll hear some obtuse blonde complain "Ugh, where is my strawberry-scented Fructis?" HELLO - you've got an entire damn aisle dedicated to your hair. WAKE THE HELL UP! WHITE PEOPLE!
Gluten Free Dog Food - If I hear one more white hipster complain that they can't find gluten free dog food in Target (because decent white people don't shop anywhere else), I'm going to scream. WHITE PEOPLE!
Crossfit - When's the last time you saw anyone of color doing Crossfit? YOU HAVEN'T. People of color don't need to work out by throwing tires around and jumping over washing machines. Why? BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE REAL DAMN JOBS THAT MAKE THEM DO WORK! They also work out for free in city parks (which is smart as hell). WHITE PEOPLE!
Weddings - How many times have we all heard some hollow-minded white chick complain about every little detail of her wedding? "OH MY GOD BECKY! MY DRESS IS NOT WHITE ENOUGH! THE WINE IS NOT THE PERFECT TEMPERATURE! MY BRIDESMAIDS ARE NOT IN EXACT ORDER FROM SHORTEST TO TALLEST! MY FATHER BETTER BE HERE WITH THE MERCEDES." AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHITE PEOPLE!
Camoflauge - Why in the hell do white people want to put camo on everything they own? Their couch, their hat, their scarf, their purse, their pillows, their bra, their watch, their phone case, their wallet! Hello you dipshits - if your wallet or phone is camo and you lose it in the woods, HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU GOING TO FIND IT?! Maybe you should try employing a little bit more of that blaze orange and a little less camo. WHITE PEOPLE!
Elizabeth - There are enough white girls in the world named Elizabeth (sorry Brooks). ENOUGH! NO MORE! FINITO! Parents - show some creativity when naming your white baby. When's the last time you met a Vera or a Suzette? What about Ambrosia? Yeah... that's it... name your white baby Ambrosia. WHITE PEOPLE!
Because white people can be so damned stupid, I doubt this will be my last article about them.
Tonight's article was heavily inspired by Crystal. She helps me point out all the stupid crap white folks do. Without her, I would not have been able to write it. Thanks!
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