Ideal Conceal Smartphone Pistol Makes Accidental Child Death Easier.

Coming later in 2016 is the Ideal Conceal .380-caliber pistol. It is shaped like a standard smartphone, as to make concealment all the more easy. With a simple twist, the handle slides down revealing the trigger of the camouflaged gun. The pistol can fire two shots with a hammerless internal mechanism. When collapsed, the Ideal Conceal looks like any other smartphone device, belt clip and all.

Honestly, this gun scares the utter crap out of me.

Let me be more specific. It's not the gun itself that frightens me. It's the forthcoming accidental shootings with the Ideal Conceal involving children that frightens me. The Ideal Conceal website is emphatic about taking proper care and safety with a firearm -- they explicitly state that guns should be secured for the safety of children. I can't blame Ideal Conceal; they've done their due diligence.

Yet, there are parents out there that recklessly leave their firearms (including the forthcoming Ideal Conceal) within the range of a child. How long before we hear a report of a young child digging through their mom's purse to play with her phone, only to find the Ideal Conceal and accidentally kill themselves? What about a young child grabbing daddy's phone off the nightstand, only to accidentally shoot their sibling in the face?

You and I both know this can AND WILL happen.

In this day and age, I can't support the notion of making guns more invisible. As a tool with the power to give life or death, firearms are not a weapon to be cloaked in secrecy. I'd like to know who has a gun around me, much less around children. Sure, it would not be comfortable when a crowd stares at you for carrying a legal firearm. Is that not the price we pay for freedom, though? If you want to carry a firearm, you have to be comfortable with the strange glances that some uneducated citizens may take.

The Ideal Conceal will sell like hot cakes, but I'm counting down the days until the first kid has an accident with it. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Deep Fried Turkey Can Be Dangerous If You're An Idiot.

For quite a few years now, the act of deep frying a Thanksgiving turkey instead of cooking it in an oven has become quite common. Deep fried turkey is flavorful, juicy and offers a delectable twist to the traditional method of roasting. I can attest to this notion -- I had deep fried turkey yesterday and it was delicious!

Unfortunately, not everyone employs common sense when deep frying a turkey.

Based upon data collected by the National Fire Protection Association, there are approximately five deaths and over sixty serious injuries across America annually from incorrectly deep fried turkeys. Over nine-hundred homes also catch fire and are damaged from the ensuing flames. In total, this causes a minimum of $15 Million in damages. That's a mighty costly set of repeated errors!

State Farm Insurance publishes an annual list of which states have the most Thanksgiving-related deep fried turkey accidents, based upon filed claims. Leading the pack is Texas, followed by Illinois, Pennsylvania, Ohio, New York, South Carolina and Georgia.

Data provided by the U.S. Fire Administration shows that the rate of house fires and fire-related accidents doubles on Thanksgiving, with upwards of 4,300 or more. That's more than twice the national average on any other day. Considering the amount of cooking that's going on, it's easy to see why. Throwing the element of deep fried turkey into the mix certainly hasn't helped the situation.

All this being said, any reasonable person with an ounce of common sense can correctly deep fry a turkey without incident. Here's some tips.

- Make sure you're using the right amount of oil.

• Place the turkey in your frying pot.
• Fill the pot with water until the turkey is covered by 1/2 inch.
• Remove and dry the turkey thoroughly.
• Mark the water level. Dump the water, dry the pot very well, then fill with oil to the marked level.

- Completely thaw your frozen turkey. Deep frying a fully or partially frozen turkey is like a time bomb waiting to explode. I would even go so far as to recommend a fresh, never frozen turkey for deep frying.

- Use the deep fryer in an open, well-ventilated location away from your home.

- For goodness sake, do not deep fry a turkey inside your house.

- Wear protective clothing. Don't deep fry your turkey without a shirt on.

- Check your oil temperature regularly and keep it consistent!

- Don't make any sudden movements around your deep fryer. Raise and lower the turkey carefully.

- If a fire does occur, DO NOT SPRAY IT WITH WATER! Grease fires are only made worse with water. Keep a pile of sand or dirt nearby instead. Even better, make sure you have a working fire extinguisher.

Follow these steps and you're sure to have a tasty deep fried turkey meal without any damage to your property or yourself.

Now watch these idiots nearly kill themselves.

The Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden... and Perhaps a Concussion.

Today was all about an unexpected adventure... and a little bit of pain!

On a whim, Crystal and I decided on short notice to visit the Lewis Ginter Botanical Garden in Richmond, Virginia -- about a three hour drive north from my home. They were hosting a show for the Richmond African Violet Society, to which Crystal is an awesome collector and fan of these wonderful flowering plants. Though, I believe we were in for a surprise treat upon arrival. This Botanical Garden is one of the best I've ever had the joy of visiting.

From massive beds of tulips and daffodils to an amazing conservatory filled with tropical palms and orchids, this place had it all! If you ever find yourself in the Richmond area looking for something to do, then head over to the Lewis Ginter complex and enjoy the day. It is mostly child friendly and has a few playground areas. Bring plenty of sunscreen as well -- there's lots of walking and exploring to be had.

And now, on to the aforementioned pain portion of the program. Don't worry, it's quite humorous.

On our way back from Richmond, we took a break at a truck stop to use the restroom. This particular truck stop was remodeling. To provide a restroom to their customers, they had brought in a portable trailer unit. Believe it or not, it was quite clean and inviting inside -- nothing gross or grimey. But, the stalls were tight and cramped, to say the least. On the back side of the door in the stall I selected, there was a pleasant designer frame with various photos of New York City. As I was standing up from being seated on the toilet, I didn't gauge the amount of room I had correctly. I slammed by hard head into the picture frame, cracked the glass and bent the frame's border in half.

I kid you not, I believe I nearly concussed myself.

Due to the pain, I rocked backwards onto the toilet and evaluated the damage my skull had done. My head was spinning from a deep pain in my forehead. My brain felt as if it were thumping like a drum! Before me hung a severely cracked photo frame. I couldn't believe the damage I did with just my gigantic noggin! After a few minutes, I took my second attempt at getting up, this time tucking my head to the side and dodging the door. Thankfully, I didn't stab myself in the head with any glass!

Ultimately, perhaps my little accident was for the best. I've now learned that my head doubles as a secret weapon!

Why I Don't Ride Carnival and Amusement Park Rides.

There are two reasons why I will not get on carnival and amusement park rides. Besides generally being unsafe and not fit for humans, I had a couple of terrible experiences in my early childhood. In short, I refuse to become a statistic.

The first incident involves a type of ride that's known in the carnival industry as an Octopus (SDC Polyp Variety). A half dozen cars hanging on beams are positioned around a center axis. The cars will go up and down as they spin around. The speed at which the cars travel steadily increases. To make matters worse, at some point, the cars slow down for only a brief moment, then go quickly in reverse! I had the displeasure of riding this sort of attraction with my parents. I must have been four years old because my brother Joshua hadn't even been born yet. We were at the South Central Fair in Chase City, Virginia. I sat between my mom and my dad in a ride car. As the speed got faster and faster, the centripetal force of the ride caused me to get squished like a sandwich. It took all the air out of me and I simply couldn't breathe. When the ride was over, I tumbled to the ground and immediately vomited everywhere. If I remember correctly, my dad lost his glasses as well. All in all, it was a terrible evening.

The second incident involves the long defunct Smurf Mountain ride at King's Dominion, just outside Richmond, Virginia. This was a train-style ride that carved its way through a man-made mountain. In the tunnels that the train passed through were various animatronic scenes depicting the Smurfs in a plethora of scenarios. I would have been approximately eight or nine years old at the time. As the train pulled its way through the tunnel, it suddenly came to a screeching halt. Myself and the rest of the passengers sat motionless in the dark for a few minutes. Eventually, a park attendant told us that we'd have to exit the ride and walk out of Smurf Mountain. It wasn't as simple as it sounds, though. Because of the way the ride was designed, there weren't any escape doors or hidden passage ways to leave the mountain. I had to walk on a tiny ledge along the train track pathway in the dark. The attendant told us not to fall onto the track because it was electrified. With my back against the tunnel wall, I walked sideways ever so carefully. All along the way, the robotic Smurfs, evil wizard Gargamel and Azrael the cat were moving and reaching towards us. I was the very last person in line and absolutely terrified. Eventually, I made it outside and into the light. It was one of the most horrible things I ever experienced as a child. Afterwards, I learned that the ride had a major mechanical failure, never to be repaired. This was partly due to the declining popularity of the Smurfs -- it just wasn't worth returning to operation. As such, I hold the distinction of the being the last King's Dominion visitor to ever ride Smurf Mountain. It sat dormant for a few years before receiving a total upheaval. Smurf Mountain became what's now known as Volcano, the Blast Coaster and is still in operation to this day.

Here's a video that illustrates what Smurf Mountain looked like on the inside. Please excuse the poor image quality -- this is obviously a promotional video recorded in the 1980's.

So there you have it. My two reasons for not ever setting foot on a carnival or amusement park ride ever again (except for the reasonably secure carousel or bumper cars).

Grinding My Gears! - Unobservant Pedestrian Shoppers

Have you ever noticed those people whom always seem to walk aimlessly into oncoming traffic when exiting a department store? Trust me -- I HAVE.

Hold the phones, it's...

Today's installment of Grinding My Gears! is all about Unobservant Pedestrian Shoppers. We all know them and we've all dealt with them. Some zeppelin-sized pussbag with three kids in tow will waddle out the front door of your local Wal-Mart or Target. You're driving by trying to find a parking spot (because you're not parking in the fire lane like the rest of the local scum). And of course, without any sense of their surroundings, those fools fail to look both ways and meander right in front of your vehicle. As expected, they take their time when walking in front of you. Big Momma in her pink sweats has to check her Facebook, you know! And those kids... they seem to run every which way BUT away from your vehicle. It makes me want to scream!

AAAAHHHHUUUUUGGHHHHHAAAAARRRRGGHHHH!

Why can't people just look both ways before walking into traffic? I realize that cars have to yield to pedestrians. That's a rule I fully agree with. Yet, doesn't some sense of personal responsibility enter into the equation? Whenever I walk out of a department store or shopping center, I follow a few simple steps.

1. STOP
2. LOOK LEFT
3. LOOK RIGHT
4. DECIDE IF WALKING WOULD IMPEDE TRAFFIC
5. GO WHEN I HAVE AN OPENING
6. WALK BRISKLY TO CROSS THE TRAFFIC LANE

I mean really folks... it's that damn easy. Sure, a vehicle technically has to yield to me if I walk in front of them... but it doesn't mean I should go without judging my surroundings first. Isn't it rude to just walk thoughtlessly in the way of other people? Much less, should you heedlessly enter into a lane of traffic with giant metal bricks on wheels zooming towards you? What if a driver doesn't see you? Did you ever consider that you might just be road kill for the buzzards?

No, you didn't... you're an aloof pinhead.

I can't even begin to count the number of boneheads that have walked in front of my car without so much as looking up and noticing I was there. It's a good thing I was paying attention because they sure as hell were not. Their mobile phone is the usual culprit, but not always. So often I see moms messing with their kids and completely neglecting to insure that it was safe to cross the road. Other times, it's folks shoving coffee or food into their face. Can't that wait until you get to your car?

New flash you morons -- just because drivers are instructed to yield to pedestrians doesn't automatically insure your safety! 

Need proof that more pedestrians are being killed in accidents with vehicles? Take a look at the most recent 2012 National Highway Traffic Safety Administration report on pedestrian fatalities. For many years now, pedestrian deaths as a percentage of total vehicle accident fatalities have been steadily rising. In 2012, there were over 4,743 pedestrians killed in vehicle collisions. I'd bet good money that many of those deaths could have been avoided if the pedestrian involved had been more aware of their surroundings.

So there you have it. When you're walking out of a shopping center and going to your vehicle in the parking lot, please be attentive. Look around you. Wait for nearby vehicles to pass before entering the crosswalk. Be courteous of drivers and show them some respect, just as they show you respect.

Because let's face it... if the rule of law wasn't in place, I'd have run you over a LONG time ago. That's the only thing protecting you from me.

Dude, You Hit My Car! Part II

Oh happy day...

Some of you with a good memory may recall that my vehicle was damaged by a thankless moron in a Harris Teeter parking lot in 2012. While inside shopping for groceries, a callous driver backed into my front bumper. In the process, they tore it from the driver-side fender and put a large dent in it (most likely from a hitch). That driver left the scene without so much as a note.

No "Sorry." No "Oops, my bad!" No "Kiss my ass." NOTHING.

My insurance ended up covering the damage -- after a $500 deductible and a new bumper, everything was as good as new.

It seems history has a funny way of repeating itself.

I went shopping at a local Food Lion today for a handful of items. I was inside shopping for less then fifteen minutes. Upon returning to my vehicle, I discovered this (click image for higher resolution).

Alas, my bumper is damaged once again -- in almost the exact same spot. At the time of my arrival, I parked in a spot without anyone in front of nor to the left of me. Had I of not been getting groceries, I'd have pulled through. But, I knew I'd need to get in my hatch area to store groceries, so I stayed put. From the looks of things, it seems someone decided to park in front of me. Upon leaving, they heavily scraped my car with the front left corner of their bumper while pulling away. I can tell this by the direction of the scuffing. Instead of just backing up (at least part of the way), they instead zipped right on by my vehicle and scratched the hell out of it in the process. The photo doesn't show it well, but there's black bumper residue from their car, much like what can be found on older vehicles.

And yet again... they failed to leave any sort of note. At this point, I'd even take a "sorry bro, but I've not got any cash to fix it." Just own up to your mistake and do the honorable thing. Even if you can't afford to repair it, I'd at least like the culprit to admit their wrong doing. But no... that's apparently just too much for them to handle.

Nope - I'm surrounded by dishonorable schmucks. I should expect nothing more, right? This is what it is to live in modern America. Most of you (even some of you reading this) are assholes.

Whomever you are that did this, I hope you're smeared with peanut butter and lowered slowly feet-first into a cage filled with rabid, flesh-eating hamsters.