Draw Something: The Thirsty Bottle Opener

Take your ordinary bottle opener. It looks like a thin, scrawny metal man with a giant mouth, just waiting to guzzle an ocean of bubbly beer. And yet, the bottle opener never gets to drink anything, but opens every single bottle. That must be what hell is like.

St. Louis, Here We Come!

Looks like I will finally watch my first live Cardinals baseball game at Busch Stadium in September. I'm beyond ecstatic!

Crystal and I decided that our vacation this year would be to St. Louis, Missouri. We'll drive through West Virginia and Kentucky to get there. Along the way, we'll camp in Lexington, KY and enjoy the Kentucky Horse Park.

Also on the itinerary is a tour of the Alltech Lexington Brewing & Distilling Co., which produces the mighty flavorful Kentucky Ale. They also distill various varieties of authentic Kentucky Bourbon.

Here I am finishing a leftover Kentucky Bourbon Ale for breakfast back at Christmas 2014. What are the odds that I'd be visiting their brewery?

After that, well trek on to St. Louis. Besides the baseball game, we're going to check out the Day Fresh Tour at the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. This allows us the opportunity to visit with the Clydesdale Draft Horses, then follow their beer production from start to finish. While I'm not a fan of Budweiser beer, I am eager to meet those horses and see their brewing process!

The famous Budweiser Clydesdale Horses circling through Busch Stadium.

While there, we'll also be taking in the Laumeier Sculpture Park, which features some interesting art installations. The Missouri Botanical Garden is also on our to-do list. It seems like we hit a massive garden in every place we visit!

Before our ballgame, we'll explore the Cardinals Hall of Fame Museum, where hopefully I might run into some former players. Who knows?

Of course, we'll also visit the magnificent Gateway Arch and take some photographs.

We'll be attending the September 9 day game, in which the Cardinals will be hosting the Chicago Cubs -- the best friendly rivalry in sports, in my opinion. If you happen to be watching on TV, look for us behind the First Base line.

The hotels are booked. The tickets are purchased. September can't get here soon enough!

H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D!

Welcome to 2015 everyone! How was your New Year's Eve? Mine was great, but I did something highly moronic. Last night, I got the drunkest I've ever been in my life. The funny part? It was all by accident.

Crystal and I were sitting around and enjoying some mighty tasty homemade pizza, drinking some wine and watching Luther* on Hulu. To make a long story short, I decided to let Crystal slice a few skin tags off my body. She suggested I take some shots before doing so, as to lessen the pain. Though... I somehow seemed to lose the ability to control my intake of alcohol in the process. One thing led to another and I'd ingested a massive amount of alcohol. Let me be clear - I did not intend to get wasted on New Year's Eve.

By our estimate this morning, I must have consumed at least ten shots, if not fifteen, of tequila and Southern Comfort. Add on top of that two beers and more than half a bottle of wine. I was H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D!

At some point between 9:30 and 10:00 PM last night is when it all started to hit me. Never before have I vomited from drinking alcohol. After last night, I can't say that anymore. I puked five or six times, completely emptying my stomach's contents of pizza and alcohol. Crystal (bless her), swapped out trash cans repeatedly and kept me clean. I puked for over three and a half hours. It was 2:00 AM this morning before I finally stopped and was able to be put to bed.

Crystal swears I had alcohol poisoning. Apparently, I went extremely pale, was quivering and very cold to the touch. I can faintly remember her asking me if I needed to go to the hospital.

I feel terrible about getting so wasted. I have never been that drunk in all my life. Though, there is an upside to all this. Apparently, Crystal had the foresight to record the audio of my drunken stupor before I started to puke. I present to you three clips from last night. Be warned -- I am very drunk in these recordings. Many of my words are slurred. There is some slight vulgar language, but nothing terrible. You will laugh your ass off, I suspect. Few of you have ever been around me when I've been drunk. This is what it sounds like.

In this first clip, I babbled on about how being sober is important. I also asked Crystal if she was taping me (to which she smartly told me no). Finally, I discussed how I am funny when I'm inebriated.



In this second clip, I discuss how my dog Mellow was steadfastly sticking by my side and trying to comfort me. Mellow could tell how drunk I was and had taken to licking me. I discuss why I'm so hard on Mellow... and how much I love him.



This is a third clip from the recording. I talk about the merits of LEGOS and how they can save your life.



There was much more from the recording, but unfortunately I can not make it publicly available for broadcast due to its 'mature' content. While hilarious, I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone -- especially Crystal. She took great care of me!

I feel much better today, as if last night never happened. At least I can still say I have NEVER had a hangover!

I'll leave you with my magnificent drunken LEGO creation. As you can see, it's the 'platform' I mentioned in the recording. I also created a minifigure whom I jovially referred to as Blockhead. Crystal says I found it to be gut-busting funny. Knowing how silly I can be, I'm sure she's right.

What in the hell was this guy thinking?

*Luther is a fantastic BBC program starring Idris Elba. It defines 'edge-of-your-seat' entertainment. Catch it now on Hulu, you won't regret it!

A temporary fix.

Interesting fact... I'm much more fun when I've got a few drinks in me!

It's 1:30 pm on a gorgeous Sunday afternoon. The birds are chirping. Sunshine is all around us. The trees are releasing their pollen and turning our vehicles a lighter shade of yellow. All in all, it's quite a marvelous day.

Alternatively, I've been in a horrible, depressed mood all morning. No real reason to be so... just have been. In the course of correcting my mood, I've ingested roughly five shots of whiskey in forty-five minutes. I feel great!

As I sit to write this blog post, I must face a harsh self-criticism. I shouldn't use alcohol to make myself feel better. Now mind you, I don't drink that often. In fact, when I do drink, it's usually just one mixed drink in a pint glass. I definitely don't meet the criteria of an alcoholic. Alcoholism runs in my family, though; I must be cautious with my drinking habits. I do find it terribly amazing how alcohol can make one forget all their sadness and animosity... even for just a short while. Scratch that -- forget is not a proper word. Perhaps I should say subdue. Yes, let's rephrase that.

Alcohol can subdue all the sadness and animosity I feel.

It's a temporary fix to a long term problem. It's also one I shouldn't be exploring. It's too late now though. Best to write about it, get the emotions out in the open and move forwards.

The other point I'm reminded of in my libatious debauchery is how, no matter the positive progression I make towards emotional wellness, the rot that exists in me will always be there. A small fragment of the poison that has tainted my existence shall forever hook itself to my being. Again, this blog aims to educate myself in how to best contain that poison. Perhaps my heart needs a hazmat suit?