Thursday, January 1, 2015


Welcome to 2015 everyone! How was your New Year's Eve? Mine was great, but I did something highly moronic. Last night, I got the drunkest I've ever been in my life. The funny part? It was all by accident.

Crystal and I were sitting around and enjoying some mighty tasty homemade pizza, drinking some wine and watching Luther* on Hulu. To make a long story short, I decided to let Crystal slice a few skin tags off my body. She suggested I take some shots before doing so, as to lessen the pain. Though... I somehow seemed to lose the ability to control my intake of alcohol in the process. One thing led to another and I'd ingested a massive amount of alcohol. Let me be clear - I did not intend to get wasted on New Year's Eve.

By our estimate this morning, I must have consumed at least ten shots, if not fifteen, of tequila and Southern Comfort. Add on top of that two beers and more than half a bottle of wine. I was H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D!

At some point between 9:30 and 10:00 PM last night is when it all started to hit me. Never before have I vomited from drinking alcohol. After last night, I can't say that anymore. I puked five or six times, completely emptying my stomach's contents of pizza and alcohol. Crystal (bless her), swapped out trash cans repeatedly and kept me clean. I puked for over three and a half hours. It was 2:00 AM this morning before I finally stopped and was able to be put to bed.

Crystal swears I had alcohol poisoning. Apparently, I went extremely pale, was quivering and very cold to the touch. I can faintly remember her asking me if I needed to go to the hospital.

I feel terrible about getting so wasted. I have never been that drunk in all my life. Though, there is an upside to all this. Apparently, Crystal had the foresight to record the audio of my drunken stupor before I started to puke. I present to you three clips from last night. Be warned -- I am very drunk in these recordings. Many of my words are slurred. There is some slight vulgar language, but nothing terrible. You will laugh your ass off, I suspect. Few of you have ever been around me when I've been drunk. This is what it sounds like.

In this first clip, I babbled on about how being sober is important. I also asked Crystal if she was taping me (to which she smartly told me no). Finally, I discussed how I am funny when I'm inebriated.

In this second clip, I discuss how my dog Mellow was steadfastly sticking by my side and trying to comfort me. Mellow could tell how drunk I was and had taken to licking me. I discuss why I'm so hard on Mellow... and how much I love him.

This is a third clip from the recording. I talk about the merits of LEGOS and how they can save your life.

There was much more from the recording, but unfortunately I can not make it publicly available for broadcast due to its 'mature' content. While hilarious, I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone -- especially Crystal. She took great care of me!

I feel much better today, as if last night never happened. At least I can still say I have NEVER had a hangover!

I'll leave you with my magnificent drunken LEGO creation. As you can see, it's the 'platform' I mentioned in the recording. I also created a minifigure whom I jovially referred to as Blockhead. Crystal says I found it to be gut-busting funny. Knowing how silly I can be, I'm sure she's right.

What in the hell was this guy thinking?

*Luther is a fantastic BBC program starring Idris Elba. It defines 'edge-of-your-seat' entertainment. Catch it now on Hulu, you won't regret it!

1 comment:

  1. Some of the best times I've ever had include you being hammered. Haha. This story was too fuckin' hilarious!