The Lyrics To Auld Lang Syne.

As the last minutes of 2015 tick away, I want to say thank you to all of my readers, both old and new. Many of you have been here since the very beginning. And yet, many more have joined me throughout the past year. Thanks for visiting my little corner of the internet. I hope 2016 is a bright and successful year for you.

When you go to sing Auld Lang Syne tonight, you'll probably not know the words. Just in case you'd like to sing them correctly, here are the lyrics. I know the words look a little odd. That's because they're composed in the 18th Century Scottish dialect by writer Robert Burns, the national poet of Scotland. Tonight, all of us get to be a little Scottish!

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup!
and surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere!
and gie's a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak' a right gude-willie waught,
for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Five Terrible Halloween Costumes - 2015 Edition.

Another year, another Halloween season. The most phantasmagorical day of the year is a mere seventeen days away. Many of you haven't even selected your costume yet. Just as I did last year (click here), I'm here with a guide to the worst costume ideas of the year. Avoid these masked muck traps and you'll do just fine.

And you thought Luke Skywalker had 'daddy' issues.

This girl is STARVED for attention.

Sexy Star Wars Character - There's nothing sexy about a green puppet that talks backwards. Nor is there anything titillating about a giant woolly wannabe Sasquatch. Star Wars has never been a film series that's known for its sex appeal. Yet, we'll undoubtedly see many famous Star Wars characters re-imagined as revealing sex idols. Just don't. It's not just tacky... it's ridiculous.

Changing Your Race - I know you're itching to go out as Ben Carson or President Obama on Halloween. There's just one problem. You're Caucasian. I realize in this modern age that many young folks don't mean to be racist when they put on black-face. In fact, they're probably as far from racist as possible. But, you have to realize something. Even though you're not a racist, that doesn't mean other people won't automatically assume you're a card-carrying member of the Klu Klux Klan for painting yourself a different race. Leave the face paint at home, kids.

Genitalia - There's always that one douche bag at a Halloween party that thinks dressing up as a giant, vein-covered penis is funny. Trust me, it's not funny at all... it's just awkward and uncomfortable. The same applies for guys dressed up as vaginas. Not only are you a lumbering doof, but women automatically assume you're a pervert.

Harley Quinn - Just as I highlighted with the Joker in last year's edition of this article, Harley Quinn has been DONE TO DEATH. Every female comic fan or cosplayer, no matter how obsessed, has dressed up as Joker's devoted sidekick. You've put her in ridiculous bustiers and carried absurdly large hammers. Enough is enough. You're not the first person to think of dressing up as Harley, nor will you be the last. The horse hasn't just been beaten to death, it's been chopped up and delivered to a glue factory for processing.

I make these jeans look cool.

(Almost) Anything Involving Jeans - If your costume involves wearing jeans, you better be going as a cowboy or Jean-Claude Van Damme from Hard Target. Anything else is a frickin' cop-out. Guess what? A costume is all-encompassing, from head to foot. You can't half-ass your costume and just wear a special top or put on face-paint. Dracula in jeans isn't scary... it's just pitiful. Oh, you think your special hoodie with skulls on it makes you terrifying? Show up on my door step in jeans and I'm going to hurricane-kick your lazy ass off my lawn!

H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D!

Welcome to 2015 everyone! How was your New Year's Eve? Mine was great, but I did something highly moronic. Last night, I got the drunkest I've ever been in my life. The funny part? It was all by accident.

Crystal and I were sitting around and enjoying some mighty tasty homemade pizza, drinking some wine and watching Luther* on Hulu. To make a long story short, I decided to let Crystal slice a few skin tags off my body. She suggested I take some shots before doing so, as to lessen the pain. Though... I somehow seemed to lose the ability to control my intake of alcohol in the process. One thing led to another and I'd ingested a massive amount of alcohol. Let me be clear - I did not intend to get wasted on New Year's Eve.

By our estimate this morning, I must have consumed at least ten shots, if not fifteen, of tequila and Southern Comfort. Add on top of that two beers and more than half a bottle of wine. I was H-A-M-M-E-R-E-D!

At some point between 9:30 and 10:00 PM last night is when it all started to hit me. Never before have I vomited from drinking alcohol. After last night, I can't say that anymore. I puked five or six times, completely emptying my stomach's contents of pizza and alcohol. Crystal (bless her), swapped out trash cans repeatedly and kept me clean. I puked for over three and a half hours. It was 2:00 AM this morning before I finally stopped and was able to be put to bed.

Crystal swears I had alcohol poisoning. Apparently, I went extremely pale, was quivering and very cold to the touch. I can faintly remember her asking me if I needed to go to the hospital.

I feel terrible about getting so wasted. I have never been that drunk in all my life. Though, there is an upside to all this. Apparently, Crystal had the foresight to record the audio of my drunken stupor before I started to puke. I present to you three clips from last night. Be warned -- I am very drunk in these recordings. Many of my words are slurred. There is some slight vulgar language, but nothing terrible. You will laugh your ass off, I suspect. Few of you have ever been around me when I've been drunk. This is what it sounds like.

In this first clip, I babbled on about how being sober is important. I also asked Crystal if she was taping me (to which she smartly told me no). Finally, I discussed how I am funny when I'm inebriated.



In this second clip, I discuss how my dog Mellow was steadfastly sticking by my side and trying to comfort me. Mellow could tell how drunk I was and had taken to licking me. I discuss why I'm so hard on Mellow... and how much I love him.



This is a third clip from the recording. I talk about the merits of LEGOS and how they can save your life.



There was much more from the recording, but unfortunately I can not make it publicly available for broadcast due to its 'mature' content. While hilarious, I wouldn't want to embarrass anyone -- especially Crystal. She took great care of me!

I feel much better today, as if last night never happened. At least I can still say I have NEVER had a hangover!

I'll leave you with my magnificent drunken LEGO creation. As you can see, it's the 'platform' I mentioned in the recording. I also created a minifigure whom I jovially referred to as Blockhead. Crystal says I found it to be gut-busting funny. Knowing how silly I can be, I'm sure she's right.

What in the hell was this guy thinking?

*Luther is a fantastic BBC program starring Idris Elba. It defines 'edge-of-your-seat' entertainment. Catch it now on Hulu, you won't regret it!

Alive and Thankful.

New Year's Eve 2014 at Òran Mór in Glasgow, Scotland.

As this year draws to a close, I'd like to thank everyone who has continued to read this blog. Your continued support of this personal adventure of mine is absolutely appreciated. What started out as a means to fight off my inner demons has morphed into something much more amazing than I ever expected. Two years ago, I was at one of the lowest points in my life. Depression and anger were eating me alive. My health, both physical and mental, were abysmal.

I decided to make one last-ditch effort. Instead of giving in to my faults, I pushed back and chose to improve myself. Over the life of this blog, I've changed a great deal. Writing has allowed me a means of release. The deep-seeded anger slowly left me over these past few years. Today, as I like to refer to it, I'm an angry man in recovery.

My physical health has changed parallel to the internal improvements. I started out weighing a whopping 340 pounds. I would eat when I was stressed because I didn't have a proper means of handling my emotions. My idea of portion control was pitiful, to say the least. Today, I'm down to around 280 pounds... and I'm not done yet. I've shed an entire wardrobe of clothes. I can now wear sizes which I never thought would be possible. My ability to breathe and exert myself are the best I've ever experienced. I can use self-control to limit how much and how often I eat. For the first time, I am able to feel my ribs and muscles I never believed I had! Hopefully, I've added years to my life. I want to be around to see where we're headed as a global civilization. I want to travel and see places far and wide; friends both near and far.

Let's face it... I was slowly killing myself before I started this blog. Now, I am alive and thankful to be a better version of myself.

I have you, the reader, to thank for all this. You've listened to me talk about some very personal issues. Some things I definitely feared writing about and making public. But, I decided long ago that fear was not going to control me. Now, I am able to write about a wide range of diverse topics, both serious and comedic. Some topics you may enjoy, some you may not. But you know what? That's okay. We're all different. We all enjoy a multitude of various activities and interests. What counts is that you've been here with me through it all.

I hope you'll stay with me through 2015.

From your friend... brother... companion... student... teacher... ally... fellow human,

Jared