How To Build A Funeral Pyre.

In my opinion, the best way to commit a body to the afterlife is via cremation. Instead of filling acres of land with useless bodies and pointless hunks of marble, thereby making that real estate unusable, why not turn a body into ash? Cremation is economical, respectful and logical. I'm a massive proponent of cremation. Hopefully, you are as well.

For millenia before the modern world ever came to be, many cultures burned their dead. They would place the body upon a funeral pyre. Built from carefully stacked wood, it's essentially an open-air method of cremation. I find this old world approach to be perfectly reasonable. It's a shame such a practice is illegal in almost all localities. Only cremations in a licensed crematorium are legal, though the specific context around the process changes from state to state.

That being said, I thought I'd share with you how to build a funeral pyre. Let me be clear, though -- I am not suggesting that you use this for disposing of human remains. Many people use funeral pyres to cremate a family pet. It's a fitting end for our beloved furry family members. Also, please remember to take all necessary precautions when building any fire.

You'll need lots of fire wood to begin. For stacking purposes, the optimal choice would be to have long pieces of wood in equal widths to form the foundation. For added breathability, place a metal grate or apparatus at the bottom of the foundation. This will allow the fire to breathe more easily. Layer the wood between two and four feet high, taking care to alternate the direction of the wood with every new layer. Alternating the layers allows for more oxygen intake and increased pyre stability. After your foundation has been established, you'll need to build a center core of fuel on top to sustain the fire at a high and consistent temperature. It's best to use small bits of wood and kindling for this step. Make sure your center fuel core is spread evenly across the top, as to guarantee a consistent burn. It's very important that the fire burns evenly, as to guarantee a proper cremation. Finally, the use of an accelerant like kerosene for lighting the fire is recommended. Kerosene burns longer at a high temperature and is less volatile than gasoline. It'll also preserve the wood fuel longer for the fire.

And there you have it... a funeral pyre. A pyre is something you've probably always wanted to know how to build, but never had the initiative to figure out! When Fido or Fluffy kicks the bucket, perhaps a funeral pyre is the way to go!

Why am I pulling over again?

I loathe funerals.

Seriously... funerals are one of the most pointless rituals that humanity has ever practiced. Take for example my experience today. As I was driving into town, I passed a police officer preparing to close off a major intersection. At that moment, I knew what was coming. Like clockwork, the bumbling driver before me started to swerve towards the shoulder, then gunned it through the intersection while the light was still green. Of course, I passed on through. As far as I could see ahead, traffic was backed up and at a stand-still. Scattered about in various angles of disarray were cars trying to pull over for an oncoming funeral procession.

I groaned with utter aggravation. I do NOT willingly pull over for funeral processions.

At this point, you're probably ready to snap at me and ask why I'm so disrespectful - stop and listen!

Tell me what the act of pulling my vehicle over does for the deceased party in question? Do they know I'm pulling over? For that matter, would they even care if I pulled over? No.

THEY'RE DEAD! D-E-A-D DEAD!

Whomever is playing coffin jockey in that hearse could give two craps about whether or not vehicles in an opposing lane pulled over! Much less, the ritual of pulling off the road for a funeral procession actually generates more opportunity for vehicular accidents to occur. Hence, more chances for more people to die! Think about it - multitudes of drivers with no knowledge of what the car in front of them is going to do; people slamming on their brakes; drivers tailgating each other. It's a damn recipe for disaster! Why? All because someone ages ago decided that their deceased kin was so important that living, thriving humans (whom probably don't even know the dead person, lest they'd BE AT THE FUNERAL) should halt their movement and wait for no reason.

Give me a frickin' break.

If it's a small funeral procession, I can usually get on past the morons whom pull over and go on about my business. Not in this case. I sat... and I sat... and I sat. Endless streams of motorcycles went by first (don't even get me started on the egotistical sense of superiority most bikers project). Then I watched as more aloof drivers shot past me with their silly hazard lights on.

You know whom funeral processions really serve? The jack wagon drivers that participate in such processions.

"Hey, look at me. I'm so important that I can drive past you while you're pulled over and there's nooooothing you can do about it. Look at how important I am. LOOK!"

Humph. Eat a dick. I'm sure driving in your silly funeral procession is the highlight of your existence. Say hello to the trash next door for me when you go home to your trailer park.