Thursday, October 8, 2015

How To Build A Funeral Pyre.

In my opinion, the best way to commit a body to the afterlife is via cremation. Instead of filling acres of land with useless bodies and pointless hunks of marble, thereby making that real estate unusable, why not turn a body into ash? Cremation is economical, respectful and logical. I'm a massive proponent of cremation. Hopefully, you are as well.

For millenia before the modern world ever came to be, many cultures burned their dead. They would place the body upon a funeral pyre. Built from carefully stacked wood, it's essentially an open-air method of cremation. I find this old world approach to be perfectly reasonable. It's a shame such a practice is illegal in almost all localities. Only cremations in a licensed crematorium are legal, though the specific context around the process changes from state to state.

That being said, I thought I'd share with you how to build a funeral pyre. Let me be clear, though -- I am not suggesting that you use this for disposing of human remains. Many people use funeral pyres to cremate a family pet. It's a fitting end for our beloved furry family members. Also, please remember to take all necessary precautions when building any fire.

You'll need lots of fire wood to begin. For stacking purposes, the optimal choice would be to have long pieces of wood in equal widths to form the foundation. For added breathability, place a metal grate or apparatus at the bottom of the foundation. This will allow the fire to breathe more easily. Layer the wood between two and four feet high, taking care to alternate the direction of the wood with every new layer. Alternating the layers allows for more oxygen intake and increased pyre stability. After your foundation has been established, you'll need to build a center core of fuel on top to sustain the fire at a high and consistent temperature. It's best to use small bits of wood and kindling for this step. Make sure your center fuel core is spread evenly across the top, as to guarantee a consistent burn. It's very important that the fire burns evenly, as to guarantee a proper cremation. Finally, the use of an accelerant like kerosene for lighting the fire is recommended. Kerosene burns longer at a high temperature and is less volatile than gasoline. It'll also preserve the wood fuel longer for the fire.

And there you have it... a funeral pyre. A pyre is something you've probably always wanted to know how to build, but never had the initiative to figure out! When Fido or Fluffy kicks the bucket, perhaps a funeral pyre is the way to go!


  1. thank you. My sister is a dog groomer and she has an older dog that will soon reach an end. This would be fitting.
    Also, if the next natural disaster is what it is thought to be, we might be building a hell of a lot of pyres.

  2. 1. What is the disaster we avoided? 2. How is your sisters dog?

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