Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Oh, My Aching Back!


Somehow, I painfully pulled my back last night.

I wasn't playing football or rough-housing with some other big, burly guys. Nor was I in a bar fight or wrestling a bear. And no, I wasn't involved in a high speed accident or motorcycle stunt gone awry. It wasn't even a horse that kicked me.

Everything that you can imagine as being manly... just toss those ideas right in the garbage.

I pulled my back by bending over my bathroom sink to pop a tiny little zit.

Yeah... bending over my sink. I'm such a loser.

I leaned ever slightly, perhaps at no more than a 75° angle. While hovering over my sink, I suddenly felt a twinge in my sides. Then, a searing pain blasted all over my lower back, like I'd been hit with a dozen ninja stars. The muscles above my buttocks suddenly locked up, as did the left and right side of my lower back. I crumpled over in pain, steadying myself against the toilet for support.

To call my experience agonizing would be a massive understatement. I didn't sleep very well last night, having to crawl out of bed at 3:30 AM to take some more acetaminophen. Had the pain not have been so severe, I'd have almost certainly tossed and turned all night.

Today, the pain has subsided for the most part. I feel sore along the sides of my torso and some stiffness remains along my spine. For the next few days, I'll avoid lifting anything heavy. Honestly, I find this whole situation to be comical. I just turned 33 years old a few months ago. Is this what's in store for my body as I grow older? Goodness gracious, I hope not!

Monday, January 4, 2016

Recycled Uses For Metal Altoids Tins.


I love Altoids. They're a great little mint that can be stored anywhere and pack a wallop in your mouth! In fact, I keep a tin of Altoids on my office desk. Unfortunately, I always feel bad when I empty a tin and toss it in the recycling bin. This got me to thinking... what other ways could I re-purpose that neat metal tin when all the mints are gone?
  • First Aid Kit. Stuff band-aids, swabs, antibiotic ointment, needle and thread inside. Store it in a glove box or camping bag!
  • Portable S'Mores Oven. You read that right. Place graham crackers, mini marshmallows and slivers of chocolate bars inside the tin to create a s'more. Then, set your Altoids tin in a warm sunny spot (or on a hot surface) and let the marshmallows melt. Mmmm!
  • Survival Kit. Sort of like the first aid kit, but insert items like a small compass, narrow rope cord, matches, a knife, flint and tinder, cotton balls or a mini screw driver.
  • Emergency Candle. With the wax drippings from other used candles and a few small wicks from a hobby store, you can create an easily stored candle to use in case of a power outage.
  • Pocket Tackle Box. The Altoids Tin is the perfect size for a few hooks, some weights, fishing line, swivels and other tiny fishing paraphernalia. Great for survivalists that want to try the minimalist approach!
  • Art Kit. Paired with a tiny notebook, you can put drawing pencils or charcoal inside the tin. Tie a piece of twine or string around the tin and notebook for extra security.
  • Portable Chess Set. With some small chess tokens and a folding game mat, you can create a fantastic chess set that doesn't take up a lot of space. Perfect for travel situations!
  • Key Hide-A-Way. If you need to hide a spare key somewhere outside your home, the Altoids tin is perfect for that. You can put the key inside the tin, then bury it somewhere in your yard that only you will remember. Stash it inside a potted plant or in your garden bed.
Of note, the metal tin can be easily painted with some spray paint. Just make sure to roughen the outside really well with some sandpaper before painting it. Customize it any way you want!

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Draw Something: Purple Butterfly

No amazing story or reason for this week's Draw Something installment. I just felt like creating a butterfly! Though, I did decide to color it after I finished, then placed it against a black background to make the colors pop a bit more.


Saturday, January 2, 2016

The Ballade of Georgina McPhee.

The Night of Enitharmon's Joy -- William Blake, 1795

Georgina McPhee was a tough act to follow
Her heart all painted in black
There wasn't a meal she could not swallow
Worms nor grubs or bears from Kodiak
Her brother a thoughtless amnesiac
And her father, dead at thirty-three
Poor mother was an ax wielding maniac
Oh where, oh where can she be?

A feisty young lass, full of bravado
Ran alone without friend or pack
Cast ablaze by the moon's pallid glow
Stalking the moors for a stack
Returning home, smelling of sweet lilac
Torn to bits against an old dead tree
Her heart left open to ransack
Oh where, oh where can she be?

Never to know what comes tomorrow
Gazing above at the ancient zodiac
Left rotting with the beasts to wallow
Her forehead split wide, more than a crack
The vileness that swims in the brack
Washing out and drawn to the sea
A meal for the depths ready to attack
Oh where, oh where can she be?

She walked without footsteps to track
A ghost, a shadow, eternally free
Her spirit unbound, not to come back
Oh where, oh where can she be?

Friday, January 1, 2016

What Makes A Year?


As we charge head first into a brand new year, I'd like to break down the basics of what we'll experience throughout 2016.

  • 365 Days, each a new chance to improve our life just a little bit more.
  • 8760 Hours, each an opportunity to step outside our comfort zone and try something new.
  • 525,600 Minutes, each making us slightly more wiser.
  • 31,536,000 Seconds, each tick moving us a little farther down the path to the end of the road.
The new year will bring long-awaited answers and uncover brand new questions. We'll fight with our loved ones. Some will break off engagements. Others will find love for the first time. Many will be born and many will die. Wars will be fought. Flags will be raised. Fortunes will be made and the impoverished will starve. We'll find even greater heights of all the good humanity has to offer. And yet, the clock will continue to tick as if nothing is happening.

You see, the year isn't really formed by time. Everything we say and do. All that we destroy and build again. Love and hate and everything in between... that's what makes a year. Step back and look at the year you are about to create. Will it be a great one... or will it be a waste? The choice is yours.

Realize just how important you are. You call the shots in your life. How your year turns out is completely within your control. The question is... are you ready to take the wheel?

Thursday, December 31, 2015

The Lyrics To Auld Lang Syne.

As the last minutes of 2015 tick away, I want to say thank you to all of my readers, both old and new. Many of you have been here since the very beginning. And yet, many more have joined me throughout the past year. Thanks for visiting my little corner of the internet. I hope 2016 is a bright and successful year for you.


When you go to sing Auld Lang Syne tonight, you'll probably not know the words. Just in case you'd like to sing them correctly, here are the lyrics. I know the words look a little odd. That's because they're composed in the 18th Century Scottish dialect by writer Robert Burns, the national poet of Scotland. Tonight, all of us get to be a little Scottish!


Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And surely ye’ll be your pint-stoup!
and surely I’ll be mine!
And we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
and pou’d the gowans fine;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary fit,
sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d in the burn,
frae morning sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
sin' auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere!
and gie's a hand o’ thine!
And we’ll tak' a right gude-willie waught,
for auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my jo,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll tak' a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Mistakes To Avoid On New Year's Eve.

As the end of 2015 waits right around the corner, the hopefulness of New Year's Eve gleams with a renewed sense of opportunity and a clean slate. Of course, it's also the perfect time of year to make a massive mistake. In an effort to better serve the public (and to perhaps make you laugh a little), here are some tips for improving your New Year's Eve.


Don't call your ex. Sure, you're out partying with your friends and drunk off your ass, but no matter how bad you want some booty, do not hit your ex up. You will only regret your poor decision the next day, rolling off their grungy bed and trying to find your underwear in their refrigerator. Sure, we all get a little horny when we drink. And of course, New Year's Eve is a magical time where everything seems to be alright. It's not. Go ahead and delete their number from your phone right now before you slip up.

Tequila is not your friend. When it comes to alcoholic beverages, tequila is a sneaky bastard. That Mexican fire-water fools you with its slightly sweet, bold citrus flavor. Come on, have another shot. I'm tasty, man. Yeah... sure. Six rounds later and you're face down in a dive-bar toilet that's so disgusting even your perverted Uncle Leo would never crap in it.

A man will say anything to get in your pants. "I work for Goldman Sachs." "I drive a Beamer." "I graduated from Dartmouth." "I'm a feminist." These and many other phrases will leave the mouth of every Tom, Dick and Harry you meet on New Year's Eve. Don't believe any of it. These guys don't just want to see one ball drop... they want to see TWO drop.

A woman will say anything to get free drinks. Likewise to you men out there, a woman will say and do anything to have you pay for her drinks all night long. Don't let her plunging cleavage perform a jedi mind trick on your common sense. A push-up bra is a damn powerful weapon. And remember... she's only rubbing against your thigh because you're giving her free martinis.

Wear clean underwear. You don't know who is going to see your bare ass this evening. Better make sure the package you deliver it in doesn't look like a used mud wrestling towel.

You're not as good at (insert social activity) as you think. Whether it's poker, bowling, billiards or beer pong, please refrain from being a cocky participant. No one wants to spend New Year's Eve with an egotistical, hyper-competitive blowhard that can't have fun. Play a little fast a loose, with a sense of humility for good measure. Everyone just wants to have a good time. Don't ruin it by being a douche-bag.

Getting too drunk is no fun for anyone. Having a few drinks on New Year's Eve is a wonderful idea. Yet, don't get slobbering, unable-to-stay-conscious drunk. If you're around people you're not too cozy with, you run a high chance of being abandoned or left to choke on your own vomit. Alternatively, becoming too drunk around your friends, date or spouse is extremely rude. Don't ruin someone else's evening because you can't control your alcohol intake. Trust me... I speak from experience on this one.

Don't mope at home alone. I've been down this route folks. Being alone on New Year's Eve is terribly depressing. Start the new year with a positive attitude and carry it into the coming months. The quickest way to ruin your life is by being a self-loathing sour-puss. If you don't have any friends to party the night away with, go out and make some now, before it's too late!

And, most importantly...

Don't drink and drive. In all seriousness, please don't murder someone because you decided to be an irresponsible shithead. Have a designated driver or call a taxi. Ruining two or more lives over a night of debauchery just isn't worth it.