Possible Movie Remakes That Should Never, Ever Be Made.

These days, it seems Hollywood movie studios want to remake every old film imaginable. No matter the genre or how good (or bad) the original source material was, they'll remake it!  Just today, I saw the new trailer for the upcoming remake of Point Break, which was originally released in 1991.

That's right... they've remade Point Break.

With today's article, I will toss out some ideas for other old films that'll probably get remakes in the near future, but shouldn't.

City Slickers - Face it... this is a remake that has Seth Rogen and James Franco written all over it. Imagine our goofy duo from Pineapple Express testing their limits on an old-fashioned dude ranch. As to filling the shoes of Jack Palance's character Curly, why not shove Nicholas Cage into that role -- he's probably crazy enough to do it!

King Ralph - Featuring perhaps one of John Goodman's most under-appreciated roles, King Ralph would be a massive hit as a remake in today's shallow pool movie climate. Thanks to all the fervor over the British Royal Family these days, a film that channels that insanity would make big bucks at the local cineplex. Who better to star as a bumbling lounge singer turned royal pain in the arse than everyone's favorite comedic idiot -- Adam Sandler! (In all honesty, the movie would suck; but you and I both know it would make three or four hundred million dollars as a Sandler vehicle.)

Sister Act - As the sixth highest grossing film of 1992, Sister Act was an extremely popular film that shot Whoopi Goldberg to new heights as a mega movie star. Why not try to catch lightning in a bottle twice? This is a remake that has Lady Gaga written all over it. We know she can dance. We know she can sing. But... does she have the chops to pull off a lounge singer in witness protection? Here's the real question -- do we finally get to see a nun in an all meat habit?

Critters - Perhaps the last great (great?) horror franchise of the '80s that hasn't seen a possible remake, Critters is destined to become a PG-13 action/horror/comedy starring Kevin Hart (intergalactic bounty hunter) and Paul Rudd (blue-collar schmuck protecting his family). Those bouncing balls of bloody chaos would be prime candidates for some CGI-based tomfoolery. Toss in Melissa McCarthy as the head critter alien and you've got the makings of this decade's biggest film!

And now... the worst possible remake of all.

The Princess Bride - If you think this classic is off limits from being remade by the vultures in the film industry, you'd be dead wrong. Nothing is sacred in Hollywood... even such a beloved and cherished movie as this. The film will probably get a dozen rewrites, go through two directors and finally finish production way over budget. Of course, they'll want some young, suave sex icon to star as Westley, aka the dashing Dread Pirate Roberts. Who's that guy right now? Channing Tatum, without a doubt. Obviously, the remake's producers will seek out an equally as appealing, but slightly older, hunk with an alluring accent to play Inigo Montoya -- Jude Law, anyone? So what if Inigo is Spanish in the original film? By the time this turd of a remake hits the big screen, it'll have gone through more rewrites than Beverly Hills Cop III! Fezzik will be completely CGI in the remake, but voiced by the endearing goofball Zach Galifianakis. To really empower the villainous and sly Prince Humperdinck, producers will hire the living chameleon Sacha Baron Cohen. Look out for a surprise cameo by Neil Patrick Harris as Miracle Max! And let's not forget the music, which was so remarkable in the original (thanks Mark Knopfler). Who else to craft a new, modern soundtrack for The Princess Bride remake but John Mayer?!

I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Tonight, I'm going to test a theory. You're now a participant in an experiment.

More often than not, I write about subjects that aren't what you'd consider popular. Let's just call a spade a spade, am I right? This evening, I'm going to flip the table and deploy a devious tactic.

I'm going to blog about celebrities!

But why would I try such an absurd method? The answer is simple. I want to see if writing about celebrities will increase the amount of web traffic my web site receives.

That being said, I'm going to cull a handful of recent events from various celebrity gossip sites from around the web. I have no prior knowledge about these events and will be relying solely upon the sources I'm going to use -- chiefly, Us Magazine, TMZ and People Magazine. In all cases, the people I'll be mentioning bear no importance to me. Rest assured -- I dread writing each and every word of this. Okay, here goes...

• Kourtney Kardashian recently took pride in her massive weight loss, even going so far as to celebrate reaching 120 pounds via Instagram. Considering she just had her third child, that's quite an accomplishment (especially with all the personal trainers probably involved)! ~ via Us
• Speaking of Kardashians, Kim and husband Kanye West recently went to Taco Bell for food. Yes, that's the news report. Celebrities apparently eat. ~ via TMZ
• Sarah Palin congratulates her daughter Bristol for becoming engaged to Medal of Honor recipient Dakota Meyer. The proposal apparently took place at a Rascal Flatts concert. That's Rascal Flatts -- your go-to band for country style proposals! ~ via People
• Little... excuse me... Lil Wayne says he did not order a prostitute which recently showed up at his mansion in Miami. He claims that someone has been pranking him for weeks, with this just being the latest stunt. ~ via TMZ
• Britney Spears is apparently working on a new album, but it will be a long while before it is finished. She's quoted as saying "There's a lot going on with my kids and schools and, you know, adding new sports and stuff like that." That's right, you heard it here first. Britney is adding new sports. I'm very eager to play her very first new sport -- Puckball! ~ via Us

I'm done now. Yuck. I need to go take a bath and scrub this filth off of me.

Recycled Movies.

If you're a Facebook user, then you're probably familiar with the Trending tab on the right side of the home page. It keeps track of popular stories that are being shared all across the Facebook website by users. Here is what I saw just a short while ago.

In just one day, three of the highest trending stories on Facebook concerned Hollywood remakes of past films -- Indiana Jones, Fantastic Four and Ghostbusters. This is completely unacceptable.

Are the creative minds in Hollywood so bankrupt as to not have any new ideas for films? Considering the talent that's present in this world, I find that option highly doubtful. You see, the issue is much more tangible than that. I'll break it down in the simplest of terms.

Remakes are like insurance policies for film studios. Their benefits far outweigh the risks. A remake brings with it a certain degree of nostalgia and legacy that compels the average American movie goer to feel more comfortable with seeing it.

"Yeah, I've seen that movie before. It was pretty good. I'll go spend $X to see it again."

Along with that level of comfort comes a more likely profit on the backside. A movie that a studio knows audiences are familiar with and will more readily see is perfect for their bottom line. Making films is, at the end of the day, a for-profit venture after all. Thereby, movie studios produce content that they can reasonably predict will earn a profit. It's a win-win scenario in the eyes of movie studios.

How often have I heard people criticize (myself included) that they're sick and tired of seeing remakes of movies? Quite often, in fact! Did we need another Carrie remake? What about another Psycho? And goodness gracious... was that remake of The Karate Kid even remotely warranted? No on all accounts.

Yet, movie studios continue to rehash old content (often at the expense of the film's story and charm) for an eager audience. The bar for higher quality content keeps getting lower...

... and lower...

...... and lower.

Ultimately, the inherent problem isn't with the film studios -- it's with us, the movie-watching audience. Collectively, we demand less quality and creativity in the films we want to see. Instead of innovative and stimulating films with fresh ideas, we instead desire another lackluster iteration of The Amityville Horror -- this time in 4-D! The film studios will continue to create recycled content because we demand it. That, my friends, is the saddest part of all.

I'll leave you with a piece of advice. When the latest remake of Ghostbusters, Indiana Jones or Fantastic Four hits your local cineplex, avoid it. Make your voice heard with your wallet. Tell the film studios that you don't want to see another remake of an older, more magnificent film. If we make our voice heard in unison, they'll hear us.