Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Possible Movie Remakes That Should Never, Ever Be Made.

These days, it seems Hollywood movie studios want to remake every old film imaginable. No matter the genre or how good (or bad) the original source material was, they'll remake it!  Just today, I saw the new trailer for the upcoming remake of Point Break, which was originally released in 1991.

That's right... they've remade Point Break.

With today's article, I will toss out some ideas for other old films that'll probably get remakes in the near future, but shouldn't.

City Slickers - Face it... this is a remake that has Seth Rogen and James Franco written all over it. Imagine our goofy duo from Pineapple Express testing their limits on an old-fashioned dude ranch. As to filling the shoes of Jack Palance's character Curly, why not shove Nicholas Cage into that role -- he's probably crazy enough to do it!

King Ralph - Featuring perhaps one of John Goodman's most under-appreciated roles, King Ralph would be a massive hit as a remake in today's shallow pool movie climate. Thanks to all the fervor over the British Royal Family these days, a film that channels that insanity would make big bucks at the local cineplex. Who better to star as a bumbling lounge singer turned royal pain in the arse than everyone's favorite comedic idiot -- Adam Sandler! (In all honesty, the movie would suck; but you and I both know it would make three or four hundred million dollars as a Sandler vehicle.)

Sister Act - As the sixth highest grossing film of 1992, Sister Act was an extremely popular film that shot Whoopi Goldberg to new heights as a mega movie star. Why not try to catch lightning in a bottle twice? This is a remake that has Lady Gaga written all over it. We know she can dance. We know she can sing. But... does she have the chops to pull off a lounge singer in witness protection? Here's the real question -- do we finally get to see a nun in an all meat habit?

Critters - Perhaps the last great (great?) horror franchise of the '80s that hasn't seen a possible remake, Critters is destined to become a PG-13 action/horror/comedy starring Kevin Hart (intergalactic bounty hunter) and Paul Rudd (blue-collar schmuck protecting his family). Those bouncing balls of bloody chaos would be prime candidates for some CGI-based tomfoolery. Toss in Melissa McCarthy as the head critter alien and you've got the makings of this decade's biggest film!

And now... the worst possible remake of all.

The Princess Bride - If you think this classic is off limits from being remade by the vultures in the film industry, you'd be dead wrong. Nothing is sacred in Hollywood... even such a beloved and cherished movie as this. The film will probably get a dozen rewrites, go through two directors and finally finish production way over budget. Of course, they'll want some young, suave sex icon to star as Westley, aka the dashing Dread Pirate Roberts. Who's that guy right now? Channing Tatum, without a doubt. Obviously, the remake's producers will seek out an equally as appealing, but slightly older, hunk with an alluring accent to play Inigo Montoya -- Jude Law, anyone? So what if Inigo is Spanish in the original film? By the time this turd of a remake hits the big screen, it'll have gone through more rewrites than Beverly Hills Cop III! Fezzik will be completely CGI in the remake, but voiced by the endearing goofball Zach Galifianakis. To really empower the villainous and sly Prince Humperdinck, producers will hire the living chameleon Sacha Baron Cohen. Look out for a surprise cameo by Neil Patrick Harris as Miracle Max! And let's not forget the music, which was so remarkable in the original (thanks Mark Knopfler). Who else to craft a new, modern soundtrack for The Princess Bride remake but John Mayer?!

I think I just vomited a little in my mouth.

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