Saturday, June 27, 2015

Gnome-where Left To Hide.

It was a dark and stormy night...

Yeah, that's the actual opening to this story. You see, I live in the land of total make believe. I drive a rainbow-farting unicorn to work every morning. My job? Making golden Easter eggs and hiding them under the pillows of good little boys and girls all over the globe. My next door neighbor is Bigfoot and Santa Claus coaches my son's little league team. I have no idea how the hell I got here, or who brought me. One minute I was flipping pancakes at the Waffle House. The next... well, my feet were dangling in a river of marshmallows and a purple cat was licking my face.

Leap ahead ten years...

I married the Sugarplum Fairy and she hooked me up with this cool job at the egg factory. In that time, we received two deliveries from a stork. One was my son -- a half dolphin, half tomato hybrid named Felicio. The other special package was our daughter -- a genie named Glendaria with three legs. Unfortunately, she can only grant wishes for gophers. Boy, let me tell you... gophers are into some kinky, disgusting crap.

As I was saying... my gingerbread house shook terribly. Thunderous cloud booms erupted from the pink sky above. As the fluffy cotton clouds shattered like peppermints hitting concrete, tiny drops of licorice struck the roof. Candy has never been so terrifying. Reaching for my blanket of woven yak hair, I curled against my couch and closed my eyes. Another skyboom, then another... and another! Sweet treats were surely filling my gutters by now. You haven't lived until you have used a toilet plunger to unclog your water spouts.

My family was away from home visiting their relatives in Neverland. Being alone for two weeks with nothing but your pet lawn gnome to keep you company is enough to drive you mad.

Wait... am I already mad? Or will I be mad at some point in the future? Am I so mad that I've worked my way back to being sane? Or, it that just the madness talking?

Paddy the Gnome hopped on my lap. In his tiny, pathetic voice, he squeeked...

"Hey dirtbag, when are you going to change my water dish, you prick!"

The wife picked Paddy out at the local gnome mill. If it wasn't for her putting a curse on me, I'd shove a poker up Paddy's ass and roast him in the fireplace.

Rising from my seat, I floated into the kitchen on my hoverboard and poured some fresh water in the petite man-child's bowl. When he wasn't looking, I spit into it... just for good measure of course.

"Serves him right. Knick, knack, Paddy is WHACK!"

Unbeknownst to me, Paddy was watching from around the corner, toothbrush gripped fiercely in hand.

"Think you can poison me with your meatbag saliva? I've been waiting for this day for a long time."

Leaping with the power of six, no SEVEN jackalopes, Paddy landed squarely on my chest. His dirty claws sunk deep into my chest, hitting the sternum. I squelched in pain, not noticing the toothbrush he was about to shove...




Blinded... I was unable to see anything with my right eye. He'd maimed me in a way that no narwhal one night stand had ever before. My cries for relief went unheard. Sliding the blood-drenched toothbrush from my orbital, he quickly jabbed it into my left eye. Everything went dark. Shoving me to the floor, the tiny terror made short work of my neck, ripping and tearing at my throat. I could feel the life force oozing out of me, one momentous spurt at a time.

Squirt. Squirt. Squirt.

"You see... No one puts the lockdown on the Gnome King... you son a of a bitch. Say hello to that bastard Kraken in hell for me."


For once I was blind, but now I can see.

"I need a french toast with peach jam and three flapjacks, almost burnt. Two eggs sunny side up. Butter on the side!"

Marleen the waitress belched her order from the service window. Snapping back into reality, I noticed the spatula in my hand. Before me were all sorts of tasty breakfast items. They sizzled and popped with grace, beauty and perfection.

I was back home.

Taking the order to Marleen just a few minutes later, I happened to glance into the dining area. There, in the dimly lit back corner, was a small garden gnome. It stared at me with a fiery passion that I just couldn't seem to put my finger on.

Have I ever told you that I hate gnomes?

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