Thursday, October 29, 2015

Tips For Having A Memorable Halloween.


We're just two days away from the eeriest holiday of the year -- Halloween. These past few months on Jared Unzipped have been a sack load of fun for me. I've been overjoyed to bring you the zaniest, grossest and most horrific articles for your (and my) enjoyment. Friday will feature the fifth and final installment of the 2015 Brew Spew. Then, on Halloween Saturday, you'll receive my most frightening story of the year. I can't frickin' wait.

As the holiday draws near, I simply wanted to share some simple and fun tips to make your Halloween a day you'll never forget. Some of these tips are serious. Others are a little tongue in cheek. You're smart; I'm sure you'll figure out which is which on your own. Either way, thanks for sticking around these past two months. I hope your Halloween is the best ever!

  • If you simply must throw eggs, please avoid hitting any vehicles. The composition of eggs can eat and destroy paint on an automobile. Egging windows or doors isn't too big of a problem because they can be cleaned easily. Egging a car can cause permanent damage that is very costly to repair. The impact of an egg can actually cause the paint job to splinter just like a rock hitting a glass windshield.
  • If you're wearing a mask, make sure you have some degree of peripheral vision. Just imagine crossing a street, but you can't see to your left or right. SLAM! A car just drove over your bleeding, oozing corpse and you're suddenly lunch meat for the vultures.
  • Don't wear a hockey mask as your "costume". This horse has been beat to death. It's not even scary at this point -- you just look like a lazy dork.
  • For the love of all that's holy, don't shove your genitals in a pumpkin. You may become stuck... and then all the jocks in your school will make fun of you.
  • The best candy sack is a pillow case. They're sturdy, dependable and easy to swing at rabid dogs when you ring the evil neighbor's doorbell.
  • Black lipstick is hot. Very hot.
  • When decorating your front porch, be sure to use lots and lots of fake cobwebs -- the more the better.
  • Never bob for apples. While your head is in the water, someone could come along and stab you in the ass. Is an apple really worth that?
  • Always carry a flashlight while trick-or-treating for your own safety. It helps to be seen by others.
  • If you're prone to punching as a defense mechanism, avoid going to any haunted houses. You're just going to knock-out the schmuck running at you with a chainsaw.
  • Takes lots of photos, but remember that lighting is important. Try to take pictures of yourself and your friends inside where there's some light. If you must take a photo in the dark, remember not to stand too close to the flash. If you do, the flash will wash you out.
  • Halloween parties are lots of fun, but remember to keep the flow of alcohol at a reasonable level. A costume party is a failure if all of your guests are totally drunk and passed out. Focus on the fun and not the drinking!
  • Likewise, bathtubs are a fantastic place to fill with ice and store cold drinks.
  • Don't immediately stuff yourself with Halloween candy. Pace yourself -- you'll thank me later.
  • If you really want to set the mood with your friends and watch some horror movies, go with the classics. Black and white movies add a creepy factor that most modern movies lack. Sure, they're not that scary... but they're way more interesting.
  • Avoid any haunt that calls itself "Scaremare". That's code-word for "we're going to show you what happens if you die and haven't accepted Jesus Christ as your lord and savior". Those Bible-thumpers are just trying to intimidate you into a church pew.
  • Finally, don't take anything too serious on Halloween. Remember to look out for kids and be kind to those you meet.

No comments:

Post a Comment