Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Signs That You're A Spoiled Person.

For the sake of keeping your life in check, here are a few signs that you're living the existence of a spoiled person.
  • You smoke in your luxury automobile. Nothing drives me nuts more than some middle-aged house wife smoking in her BMW. I just want to grab that broad by her neck and squeeze until her head pops. Smoking does irreparable damage to the interior of a vehicle. Once cigarette smoke seeps into the upholstery, it's practically impossible to get it out. Want to light up in your '97 Toyota Tercel? Go for it -- you're driving a dumpster on wheels anyway. But to smoke in your brand new Audi? Get over yourself -- you just ruined a perfectly good automobile.
  • You will only purchase name brand food products. Give me a frickin' break. You'll spend nearly twice as much on a box of Cheerios (no coupon of course) when a store brand circular oat cereal is much cheaper -- and they're probably manufactured in the same facility. There's nothing wrong with name brand products, but there's also nothing wrong with store brands and generics. Guess what -- your colon doesn't know the difference! And speaking of stuff you put in your mouth...
  • You demand top shelf liquor at bars and restaurants. You do realize that the folks working behind the bar could care less about your standards. You might ask for Jack Daniels in your Coke, but you're probably getting Ancient Age... and your dumb ass can't tell the difference.
  • You scoff at the idea of attending a movie matinee. Seriously, I've encountered people that complain about seeing a movie early in the day. Apparently, films are only enjoyable at night time after the ticket price has eclipsed the ten dollar mark.
  • You will only date one specific type of person. When it comes to co-mingling with a potential lover, you'll only go after one particular type -- blondes, short girls, African-American men, rich guys, women with daddy issues, skinny, etc. Get the hell over yourself! Finding a partner or lover isn't like visiting a pet shop.
  • You depend on your parents for the majority of your meals. At some point, it's time for a child to leave home. That point is different for everyone, but it's a threshold that must be crossed. If you're in your mid-twenties and still living off mom's home cooking, then you're a lazy bum.
  • You think you're a princess. Nope -- you're not a princess. You're just a self-absorbed jackass.
  • You only use Apple products. This requires no explanation. You're an idiot.
  • You slather yourself in makeup and jewelry every day. Makeup is just another way of saying "I'm a pretty clown." Why cover yourself in layers of caked on foundation, mascara, eyeliner and lip gloss day after day? Who are you trying to impress? Much less, why are you trying to impress yourself? As to the jewelry, you're just trying to show off. Surprise! No one cares.
  • You will only drink coffee from Starbucks. Like a hamster sucking from a bottle of cocaine-laced water, you just keep getting back in line at that damn Starbucks to gulp down your calories and caffeine. Meanwhile, Starbucks makes seven dollars on a fifty cent cup of joe. Don't you realize that you could spend far less money making your own coffee? It would probably taste better and incur less weight gain, too.
  • You take photos with money. Guess what -- you're a spoiled prick
  • You drag your little dog with you everywhere. The grocery store, the mall, the doctor's office, the funeral parlor, the post office... seems like everywhere I go, some high-on-her-horse broad has stuffed a small dog into her purse and has it with her everywhere. Heaven forbid if you call her out on it -- that's her emotional support dog. Get the hell out of here with that crap! You're just a spoiled contessa trying to prove how important you are. Not going to work on me, toots!
  • Your parents pay for your automobile and/or rent. This is by far the most bold statement of being spoiled. You're living rent and/or car payment free... and you're not even trying to help out. That, by very definition, is being spoiled rotten. Sure, you might think it's a break now, but what happens when reality smacks you in the face? You're not going to know how to wipe your own butt, much less handle the responsibilities of adulthood!

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