Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Grinding My Gears! - Dumb Facebook Recipes

It's that time again for another installment of...

On tonight's Grinding My Gears, I want to discuss a thorn in my side that I contend with constantly. That's right... Dumb Facebook Recipes. Here are two photos of a recipe I saw this morning on my Facebook timeline. Be sure to click the images to see them in a larger and much clearer format.

I want to thank my friend Christopher for allowing me to share this particular recipe with you. In no way does this blog reflect upon him -- Chris is a smart guy and I think he will understand the point I'm about to make. Certainly, this conglomerate of tasty sweets is mouth-watering, but good grief. Thanks Chris!

That being said, here's my issue with Dumb Facebook Recipes like this one. They're not recipes at all! The level of difficulty to make this "Heaven in a Bowl" dish ranks somewhere between making ice and boiling water! The ingredients:

  • 1 fudge brownie mix (as in go buy it from a store)
  • 2 Packages of miniature peanut butter cups (buy it from a store, too)
  • 4 cups of milk (yep, buy it)
  • 2 packages of instant vanilla pudding mix (buy it)
  • 1 cup of creamy peanut butter (buy it *yawn*)
  • 4 teaspoons of vanilla extract (buy it *zzzzzzz*)
  • 2 containers of whipped topping (*zzzzzzzzzzzZZzzZz*)

That's it folks. No baking or preparation required. Buy - Dump - Stir - Eat


Per the directions, it tells you to "prepare brownie batter according to package directions". What kind of instruction is that?! Not only is this recipe absent of any challenge or integrity, it actually resorts to telling you to follow someone else's directions for a component of the dish. Who does that? It's like an architect designing a house, but outsourcing the drawing aspect to a dishwasher at Red Lobster! From there on, you basically lump everything together and layer it in a bowl.

It's a recipe so simple, a blindfolded hippo could mash it together while taking a dump in a river.

Such silly recipes are insulting, really. Here's how it would go down on a cooking show...

"DUHHHH, you take dis ones here and picks it up."

"Thens, you puts dis ones in wit dis ones."

DURRRRRRHHHHH, gives it a good stirrings."

"Yup, you eats it now."

Dumb Facebook Recipes aren't so much recipes as they are new ways for depressed morons to eat high-calorie foods all at once. The type of people that come up with such ideas (in this case, a simpleton named Shannon Ross) must pick super sweet foods out of thin air and decide to clump them together.

"Err.... Chocolate and peanut butter... marshmallows... some peppermint... a handful of pistachios... three cups of egg nog... a carton of butter pecan ice cream... two heaping spoons of hot fudge... yeahhhhhh."

When it comes to "Heaven in a Bowl", you know some deadbeat fat-ass was sitting around their apartment late one night and mashed what crap they could find in their fridge together. I'll set the scene for you...

*removes Oculus Rift from their face, wipes drool off their chin, pulls pants up*

"Peanut butter cups, brownies, whipped cream, vanilla pudding... yep, it's a fan-frickin'-tastic recipe now BABY! Look out Rachel Ray, I'm gonna be a star!"

I think maybe I'll come up with a Dumb Facebook Recipe. Perhaps I can make it go viral! It seems all the idiots can do it... why not good ol' Jared?!

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