Thursday, January 8, 2015

What to Do If You Encounter a Redneck.

Have you ever taken a walk through your local department store, only to be surprisingly confronted by a hairy creature with odd skin markings? Were they being followed by other foul-looking beings, each with a unique smell? Perhaps one of these creatures threw a packet of rolled tobacco cylinders or a metal canister of fermented hops at you. If any of this sounds familiar, don't be alarmed...

You have just had an encounter with a wild redneck!

So what's the best course of action if you encounter a redneck in the wild (essentially at Wal-Mart or Golden Corral)? Here are some tips to keep you safe.

  • Never show a wild redneck your own tattoos. They may take this as a challenge to their authority. Rednecks believe tattoos hold mystical powers. This proves especially true if their tattoo is of a dream-catcher or the number 3. If they happen to have a tattoo on their neck, that means they can be easily fooled. This is an indication of poorly developed judgment ability in their brain's frontal lobe. Toss a piece of Nicorette at them to escape; they're highly gullible and easy to control.
  • Be sure to walk away very slowly, making no sudden movements. A redneck may take your quick motions as cause for alarm. One wrong step and you could be face deep in their moldy Wrangler jeans.
  • If you are unable to escape, make a peace offering. Some will walk away if you give them a dollar. Others will avoid conflict if you provide directions to the nearest Monster Jam event.
  • Under no circumstance should you EVER make eye contact with their mate. What may appear to be a family member is probably their mating partner. Often times, they are both. In either case, you don't want any of that. Seriously... you can do better.
  • When in doubt, give a redneck beer to calm them down. Under normal circumstances, you should be concerned that alcohol would increase a person's anger and level of agitation. Not so with a redneck -- they're already drunk at the start of the confrontation.
  • Use a redneck's camouflage to your advantage. Even though they believe their camo makes them invisible, it really doesn't. This is a tactical mistake that, given the right opportunity and patience, makes you an unstoppable force.
  • If your encounter is during daylight hours, never ask a redneck why they're not at work. Most importantly, never accuse them of being unemployed. This is highly prejudice of you, considering most rednecks receive a living wage every first and third of the month. As they like to put it -- Uncle Sam owes them anyway for all them foreigners!
  • Avoid encountering a wild redneck at night if at all possible. Often times, the later in the evening it is, the more likely a redneck mother has her screaming offspring with her. Treat this situation like you would a female bear and her cubs. Never get between a redneck mother and one of her demon spawn. Even though the mother will rarely discipline her children, she may strike if you attempt to do so.
  • Last, but not least... never tell a redneck what type of vehicle you own. There are certain roving groups of rednecks that worship various auto manufacturers, Ford and Chevrolet being the most common. A member of the Ford tribe will assault a member of the Chevrolet tribe on sight, and vice versa. If you coincidentally own a Ford or a Chevrolet, keep quiet! Even if you happen to share the same automobile as the redneck you have encountered, you may be kidnapped and forced to drive your vehicle through large mud puddles for sport. Oh, the horror!

I hope you'll remember these tips the next time a redneck approaches you in the wild. They may just save your life.

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