What's The Point Of A Phone Book Anymore?

I found a new phone book resting in my driveway today. Immediately, I began to mutter...

What's the point?

In the advent of modern mobile phones and the internet, the phone book has become all but a useless relic of days gone by. Sure, the phone book was a valuable tool in a time before the internet, but times change. It's not like we all have an abacus in our pocket, am I right? Quickly flipping through the phone book, which weights 1.5 pounds and has 316 pages, it was dreadfully clear that nearly every listing was an advertisement of some sort. Sure, I would find an occasional personal phone number here or there (which is a reflection of how few people have land lines any more), but the vast majority were numbers for plumbers, lawyers and other businesses.

Let me ask you this. When was the last time you looked in a phone book to call a plumber? Or a lawyer? How about a hair salon or contractor?

Like I thought... it's been YEARS since you did so.

Phone books are the very definition of pointless in this modern age. Of the half dozen phone books I've received in the past few years, they have all wound up in the recycling bin. I never even considered keeping one. All those advertisers hoping to earn my business? Nope. Total garbage. I never even saw your ad. Sorry, tough luck on your behalf!

You may say phone books have their place. What about folks that don't use the internet to find a phone number? Well, I have two points to counter that question.

• You don't have some form of access to the internet? Tough patooties... it's 2015 in the United States. Get with the times.
• If the phone book is intended for folks without internet access, then WHY DO ALL OF THE ADVERTISEMENTS FEATURE WEBSITE LINKS?

Take a look at this two page spread of the phone book I received. This particular edition is published by Local Edge, a subsidiary of Hearst Communications. That's right... THAT Hearst Communications founded by the infamous William Randolph Hearst in 1887. On page 40, It features the same advertisement repeated twice from two different lawyers. For what?! Why so much redundancy? If I was one of these lawyers, I'd be absolutely enraged that they put two of my spots so close together. Much less, what a waste of money for the advertisers. Here's a much bigger question. Why is Hearst Communications, a multinational media conglomerate which had $9 Billion in revenue during 2014, printing useless phone books?

I'll tell you why. They're taking advantage of the schmucks whom advertise in phone books thinking it will draw in new business. The only business making money from the phone book IS THE BUSINESS THAT PRINTS THE PHONE BOOK!

That's right... these advertisers are schmucks and Hearst knows it. They're wasting their money. If they want to advertise, then they should do it on local television, radio or on the internet. You know... things people actually watch, hear or look at!

Look at all of these businesses people will almost certainly look up on the internet!

Here's a much larger and more troubling issue with phone books. They're a massive waste of natural resources. There are 67 houses in my neighborhood (yes, I've counted). Each and every one of them received the same phone book I did. Added together, there's 100.5 pounds and 21,172 pages of paper in all of those phone books. Now, expand that to a whole town or city. Then multiply that across an entire state. On top of that, there's fifty states! How many tons of paper are being wasted to print a book that no one is going to look at? A lot, my friends... a lot. As a whole, the phone book industry largely receives failing grades for their gross mismanagement of natural resources. Look no further than the 2015 Sustainability Report Card for Telephone Directory Publishers for proof. Seven of the participating 13 phone book publishers in the United States received a failing grade of D when it comes to production sustainability, use of recycled paper and the ability of consumers to opt-out. No publisher received a grade better than a B. In fact, many of the publishers failed to even make their internal data available for the publication, simply because they didn't care enough to even respond.

Look, even the company publishing the phone book knows that their publication is pointless. They feature ads all through like the one above, actively sending readers to their website to search for the same businesses featured in the book itself. Again... WHAT'S THE DAMN POINT OF PRINTING THE BOOK THEN?!

Maybe I'll put this phone book to good use and start a flame in my fire pit with it. At least it won't be a total waste.

The Hunt Is Over. I Found Camo Wedding Rings!

Didn't you hear?

That's right! The hunt is O-V-E-R! You and your baby can finally come together in holy matrimony in the only way you know how -- under the luxurious protection of full camouflage! YEEEEEEEEEEEHAW!

Click to see full size image

Folks, I've seen some weird crap in my time. But this? It takes the cake. I happened across this ad in my most recent Sunday newspaper. It was mixed in with the various coupon booklets and sales advertisements. Never in my time have I seen something so gloriously trashy, all the while completely hilarious. I'll break the ad down for you.

Up for sale is a Camo Diamonesk His & Her Wedding Ring set. As if having a camo couch, camo truck, camo bikini, camo underwear, camo dish set, camo lawn mower, camo bed sheets, camo soap dispenser, camo backpack, camo bowtie, camo shower tiles, camo pillows, camo plastic cups, camo phone cover, camo lingerie, camo kitchen countertops, camo baby pacifier, camo lawn chair, camo wallet, camo sunglasses, camo checkbook cover, camo cooking apron, camo car seat covers, camo press-on fingernails, camo umbrella, camo baby seat, camo pencils and camo mascara wasn't enough... you can now get your wedding rings in camo. I mean it makes perfect sense, right?

Except when you drop your camo ring in the woods. How in the hell are you going to find it?

The trashy absurdity doesn't end there. Let's analyze the sales pitch!

Hmmm... these rings come with authentic Diamonesk simulated diamonds? Well now, they're probably worth the same as real diamonds (read my past article about diamonds here). Check out that classy platinum-plated sterling silver. It must be worth as much as two, maybe three of the knives in your kitchen silverware drawer! As a bonus, you can engrave up to twenty characters on the inside of the rings -- put your names, your wedding day or the date your hubby shot his best friend Dwayne by accident while recording a video for YouTube after downing a six pack of Old Milwaukee!

You simply can not wait to purchase this ring set. This is an absolutely amazing deal that is too good to pass up.

The entire set can be yours for only $169. But wait... if you can't afford to spend $169 for your wedding, then you can break it up into five equal installments of just $33.80! It's like lay-a-way for your wedding day! Golly, I just made a rhyme!

Let's make one thing clear -- if you can't afford to plop down a meager $169 for wedding rings in one fell swoop, then you might ought to reconsider your life choices. Obtaining some cheap camo wedding rings for you and your baby daddy might not be the smartest of choices.

The one line in the ad that cracks me up the most is...

"These unique rings perfectly capture the lifestyle you share as a couple."

Yep, a lifestyle of poverty, low standards, cheating on your man with the owner of the trailer park, leaving loaded weapons in your house, complaining about minorities using welfare while you yourself have an EBT card, and all around just being a worthless piece of trash. Congratulations! Little Baby Jesus would be so proud!

We're Coddling Our Children To Death.

I was flipping through my local Target sales paper yesterday evening and came upon the following ad.

After pondering the intent of the items described for sale, I found myself asking...

Do parents really need to watch their baby via a constantly streaming video feed twenty-four hours a day?

After laughing at the Big Brother like nature of the video baby monitor, I couldn't help but be concerned. Is this sort of Orwellian surveillance necessary for the survival of our children? Humanity (Homo sapiens) has been on Earth for over two-hundred thousand years. Our most ancient ancestors have been here for nearly six million years. In all that time, no matter by which method you choose to measure, did children not survive without being constantly monitored? Were children not able to sleep in a cradle without being video recorded non-stop? Are we so pathetic as to require perpetual inspection and control of our offspring?

Let's think about it from another perspective. Consider the situation from the child's point of view. With constant spying, they'll never experience a world where their every action isn't being recorded. They'll never know what it is to enjoy actual privacy. They'll never comprehend the need for personal space and solitude. They'll never be able to make their own decisions. Most importantly, your own child will never know if they can trust you (or anyone else really).

What sort of life is that? Do we really want this for our children?

I realize this is just a single ad in a department store circular, but it reflects a much deeper societal problem that hardly anyone is considering.

We're coddling our children to absolute death.

You can let your child...

• sleep at night without watching their every breath
• play outside and get dirty
• defend against a bully, even if it means throwing a punch
• fail at their classwork, sports or any other personal endeavor
• do their own homework
• spend time alone without constant interaction

Believe it or not, little Johnny can go on the swing without you watching them.

You see, the more we hover over our children and watch their every move, the more we make them less independent. Spying on your child while they're an infant is the first step in a long journey of forming a defective human being -- one that's prone to dependency and needing constant approval from others. This type of helicopter parenting is ridiculous and detrimental to your child's health. And for goodness sake... the last thing this world needs is a populace comprised of attention-starved brats with no sense of independence.

Now cut the camera off and go to sleep.

Your Advertising Makes Me Want To NOT Buy From You!

There's just something about really terrible advertising campaigns and commercials that riles me up. Here's an example.

Click for full-size to see how much it sucks.

I received the above local ad in the mail today. It's one of your typical coupon fliers that try to grab your attention with silly antics. Haha... look at that fat cheerleader. Teehee... that so makes me want to buy tires from you.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that are completely deterred by this sort of nonsense. Such advertising speaks to a lower caliber of individual. If you feel the need to look like a fool in your advertisement, how can I feel comfortable knowing that you'll provide me with a quality product and/or professional service?

I can't.

Another trend in advertising (especially in rural areas and smaller cities), is to use children in television commercials. I HATE THESE TYPES OF COMMERCIALS MORE THAN ANY OTHER. If I see a child in your commercial attempting to sell me a car, sing me a jingle or generally just try to be cute, I will NEVER... and I mean N-E-V-E-R buy anything from you. Trying to sell your business with children is just, well... for lack of a better word, childish! This method gives me ZERO confidence in your business. Instead of showing me what you do or what you sell, you just assume shoving some cute little kids in front of me will garner my trust. Nope - it makes me assume that you're pathetic. It's also insulting. Expect better of yourself and your potential customers. Look at it this way...

Would you buy a car from a little kid? Of course not. Then why would you use a little kid in your commercial to sell me a car? YOU SHOULDN'T!

Hell no I'm not buying something from you. Get off my television screen!