We Have to Go Back.

The world isn’t so big anymore.

It seems like the older I get, the more our world keeps growing smaller and smaller. Everybody is connected instantaneously. We can transmit messages and data with a single flick of the finger. New news becomes old news before you even have the chance to read it. We can shop online and receive packages within a day. We can spread memes and pick arguments and incite violence with just a few keystrokes. Careers can be made, and careers can be ended, all with the click of a mouse. Privacy is antiquated. Everything is fair game in this brave new world. Survival is as easy as resting in bed all day and not doing anything. Nothing is sacred.

And yet, I don’t feel any bigger than I did before. If anything, I feel smaller too.

I couldn’t begin to tell you just how often I repeat this phrase in my head:

“We have to go back.”

Keen television viewers might remember from which program that line originates – Lost.

(If you’re planning on watching Lost, stop reading now. I’m about to discuss a major plot point of the program. Come back when you’ve watched it.)

The classic third season finale of the show (Through the Looking Glass, 2007) gave viewers a startling twist-ending; Jack, Kate, and a few other castaways astonishingly escaped the island. And yet, reintegrating into society has ruined Jack. He can’t function without alcohol and oxycodone. His mental state is rapidly deteriorating. Jack has grown suicidal; he rides airplanes hoping they’ll crash and even tries to jump off a bridge. He finally manages to meet with Kate again, and expresses what he finally accepts as the only solution.

“We have to go back.”

Truth be told, this article isn’t really about Lost. And yet, my assessment of Lost has grown in favor over time. I now see the show as an allegory for what ails us as human beings. Collectively, we’re awfully sick. Life has become far too easy. We don’t face any challenges in our daily lives. Food is plentiful and there’s always a place for us to rest our head. Our meals come prepackaged in nice, neat boxes. There are no tigers for us to outrun, nor stampeding buffalo to dodge. We can float through life carelessly and still manage to cross the finish line. Work is defined by how many words we can type, or how many video games we can stream, or how we can best monetize our online videos. There are no crops to plant, nor trees to chop. Our cars are even starting to drive themselves. Objectivity has been rendered moot. The concepts of family and gender and even individuality are starting to weaken. The walls of independence are crumbling all around us. We can completely and totally disconnect from the world, and everything will be alright.

My friends, this isn’t healthy for us. We’re dying.

The enigmatic island in Lost is a symbol of where we came from as a species. We were once helpless beings trapped in a vast wilderness, with mysteries and dangers lurking around every corner. If you wanted to feed yourself and your family, you had to plant a field or hunt game. There were other factions of human beings, just like yourself, that also had to claw their way through life. You might even have to go to war with them for limited resources from time to time! Only the wisest and most self-sufficient survivors would rise to the top of the food chain. Your level of effort directly correlated to your level of accomplishment. Existence was ripe with adventure and excitement because every day was a gamble.

Our world was once oh so very big… and we were very, very small.

When Jack says, “We have to go back,” what he’s implying is that the modern world holds nothing for him anymore. The life he lived on the island was a sincere and authentic life; he felt like he had purpose once again. The island was a microcosm where a person could achieve great triumph, but only if they worked hard enough for it. It was undoubtedly a tough life, but also as real as it could possibly get. The contemporary world was driving Jack insane because it was too easy. He’d had a taste of what honest living was like… and he would do anything to get it back.

When I consider the weight of what “We have to go back" means, I look at it as a metaphor. I’m not saying we must return to a rudimentary society that lives in the forest and scavenges for rats and berries. What I am saying is that we need to make the world feel ‘big’ again. There should be routine challenges that we face on the regular. Adversity is good for the soul; it makes us stronger. It shouldn’t be so easy to share knowledge or spread news. We should have to invest some degree of effort to survive. At least some of our food ought to come from the garden, from fishing, or from hunting game. Ultimately, curing what ails us doesn’t come from a multi-national pharmaceutical conglomerate in the shape of a tiny little pill; it comes from within.

We have to go back… but we won’t.

In terms of societal grandeur, I can safely say that we’ve peaked. I view an extremely specific moment in time as the clarion call for our civilization’s downturn – the introduction of the first widely celebrated smart phone device. Apple unveiled the iPhone on June 29, 2007 to much cultural acclaim and anticipation. It’s an odd coincidence that the iPhone’s unveiling happened just thirty-six days after Through the Looking Glass first aired. The iPhone epitomizes all that we’ve lost in the progression towards a ‘connected’ society. This moment is the tip-top of the proverbial mountain, and we’ve been falling downhill ever since.

More than likely, you’re reading this article on a smart phone. Most internet usage now flows through our little black screens that fit tidily in our pockets. Traditional desktop computers are declining in popularity. Using the internet or employing a computer to complete a task is no longer a purposeful decision that requires focus. The smart phone simply ‘solves’ all our problems; it’s our companion and cohort. We’ve aggregated the entire breadth of human existence into a little metal box that weighs less than a pound. This perpetual cascading downhill isn’t something that’s going to stop. I don’t have enough faith in humanity to believe that we can come back from this plunge. Most people are weak and timid. At this point, It’s only a matter of time.

I can only question as to when we’ll hit bottom and who’ll be left to witness the end.

Remember Slim Goodbody?

If you grew up in the '80s and watched PBS, then you'll probably remember this guy...

And you thought you'd pushed this memory out of your mind, didn't you?

In the decade of excess, a thin man hopping around television in an anatomically correct leotard oddly didn't seem so strange. And yet, I wanted to plant this image back in your head.

Yeah... take a closer look.

Ah, Mr. Slim Goodbody. In all actuality, this oddball had a perfectly good reason for prancing around looking like he'd been in a horrible accident with a giant vacuum. He was portrayed by John Burstein, whom created the persona in the mid 1970's to entertain sick hospital children. Along with the flashy costume, he sung songs and performed skits pertaining to the human anatomy and health. In the 1980's, Burstein expanded upon the character and brought the Goodbody act to television on PBS. And that's where all your foggy, semi-frightening memories came from. THE INSIDE-OUT MAN FROM YOUR PAST HAS RETURNED!

Goodbody appearing with television legend and mainstay of my local PBS affiliate as a child, Captain Kangaroo.

Burstein still performs as Slim Goodbody occasionally while touring the USA, mainly playing to school crowds. I'll give the guy credit -- he spoke about the dangers of childhood obesity long before any of the other adults in my life did. I salute you Mr. Goodbody!

And now, for your viewing pleasure, an old episode from the 1980's Slim Goodbody television show! This one's about how you go poop!

What Happened To Saturday Morning Cartoons?

Remember the good 'ol days of Saturday morning cartoons? Pick any national network channel between 8 AM and 12 PM on a Saturday during the 1980's or 1990's and you'd probably find a great cartoon or weird live-action program to watch. For example:

1984... The Smurfs, Looney Tunes, Mr. T, Muppet Babies
1986... Real Ghostbusters, Snorks, Dungeons and Dragons, Teen Wolf
1989... Camp Candy, Alf, Captain N, Pee-Wee's Playhouse
1992... Bill and Ted, Super Mario World, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
1995... X-Men, Power Rangers, Life With Louie, Spider-Man
1999... Godzilla, Batman, Pokemon, Transformers: Beast Machines

The shear wealth of awe-inspiring content available on Saturday morning at the time was astounding. I can remember eagerly looking forward to Saturday morning each and every week as a child. These shows were like good friends coming over to hang out. For an introverted kid like me, this was a big deal.

Poor Eek the Cat, always trying to help others.

It was him and his kind that needed the biggest help, though.

Have you looked at Saturday morning television recently, though? Over the course of the last twenty years, what was once an amazing television block for animated programming has all but disappeared. Some would blame the advent of the internet. Others might point the finger at video games, cable television or Netflix. Whatever the reason, the concept of Saturday morning cartoons has vanished into a depressing blur of white noise and static.

Out of curiosity, I checked into my current local Saturday morning network television schedule. Here is what I found.

(Click image to enlarge)

What did I find? Nothing. Ab-so-lute-ly nothing. Fox and ABC, whom previously aired such greats as Reboot, Batman and Robin, Bobby's World and Darkwing Duck, have zero programming on Saturday morning. All they show are infomercials. The CW, which is the love-child of former networks UPN and the WB, broadcasts exclusively pet and animal related programs -- mostly repeats of The Dog Whisperer. The CBS and NBC affiliates, for the most part, air news programs (either local or picked up from the national network). The only shows that aren't infomercials, pet-themed or news are simply E/I (educational and informative) programs legally required to be broadcast by the Federal Communications Commission.

There are NO more Saturday morning cartoons.

Even the menacing powers of the devious Mumm-Ra couldn't save the Saturday morning cartoon.

So, when did they disappear? Well, I researched the last twenty-five years of network television to find the answer. NBC stopped airing animated programs on Saturday morning in 1992 in direct response to the new FCC E/I rules. CBS dropped out of the cartoon business by 1997, mostly for the same reasons. ABC gave up cartoons in the early 2000's, largely due to push-back from local affiliates desiring news coverage. The last channel to air an animated program block was the CW, whom eliminated their cartoons in 2014. In nearly all cases, the profitability of cartoons was on the decline. A major influence in this profit drop-off was new Federal Trade Commission rules limiting child-targeted commercials during animated programming. Viewership also shrunk as cable television became more common in American homes. Instead of waiting until Saturday morning to watch animated shows, kids could watch them every day on channels like Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network and the Disney Channel. 

In essence, Saturday morning cartoons were targeted on multiple fronts and simply couldn't withstand the evolving landscape.

Sorry Kissyfur, your kind has been eliminated.

While I understand that times change and nothing lasts forever, I can't help but feel a little sad inside. Children born approximately after the year 2000 will have no memory or understanding of how important Saturday morning cartoons truly were. Those of us in our late twenties and older should be so thankful that we grew up in the '80s and '90s. It was a special moment in time that will never come around again.

Unfortunately, Saturday morning cartoons won't be back right after these messages.

For information on what shows aired on Saturday morning in the '80s and '90s, check out the links here and here.

The Importance Of A Deadline.

As I've browsed current news aggregators over the past few days, I have noticed numerous headlines relating to George R. R. Martin, creator and writer of the ongoing A Song of Ice and Fire book series. In short, he's recently revealed that the HBO television series based upon his stories, the wildly popular Game of Thrones, will from here on spoil the content of his books. In the simplest of terms... he's not writing the books fast enough to keep up with the filmed adaptation.

Martin was due to complete and publish his latest novel, entitled The Winds of Winter, by the start of 2016. This was intended to compliment the forthcoming April premiere of Game of Thrones, set to begin its sixth season. Instead, season six will venture into territory Martin has not finished writing yet. Producers and writers of the HBO program were forced to rely upon notes and story guidelines provided by Martin, not his published work, to complete the newest season.

Before I wade any further into this quagmire, I want to be clear in my motivation for writing this article. I am not a Game of Thrones fan. I have not, nor do I ever intend to read, A Song of Ice and Fire. As the old saying goes, I have no dog in this fight. Whether Game of Thrones succeeds or fails is of little consequence to me. Instead, I believe this bit of news presents an excellent opportunity to highlight the importance of deadlines.

Deadlines are extremely important for writers. They prompt a writer to focus on the task at hand, with little attention spent on anything else. As with many writers (myself included), the deadline fills the role of domineering taskmaster. Without a deadline, writers will expand their work into unnecessary and often trivial bits of exposition, taking away from the content of the core story. Even worse, a writer can fall victim to laziness and apathy, letting their focus slip entirely and potentially go many days or weeks without furthering their story.

A writer is essentially self-employed. You are your own boss. There is no time clock, nor 9-to-5 work day. To put it mildly, the deadline is the only sense of accountability one has when writing. To toss the concept of a deadline out the window is grossly irresponsible. Yet, Martin has done just that. The deadline has been sliced up, set ablaze and dropped in the trash bin. Within the blog post he published on his website revealing this troubling bit of news, Martin is quoted as saying:

"I am not going to set another deadline for myself to trip over. The deadlines just stress me out."

Blast it, that's what a deadline is supposed to do -- stress you out! It makes you complete your work, perfection be damned. Sure, you won't get to describe each and every meal your characters eat from the first page to the last, but that's the point. Quantity of pages has little bearing on the quality of a tale. If anything, so much of what makes a story enjoyable is what you don't describe to your readers. Make your audience think independently and fill in some of the gaps. Just as relevant is the necessity to let a work be finished when the time is right. Not every nook and cranny has to be finely crafted and polished to a shine. Every chapter does not require a rewrite. Some characters should be more developed than others. Ultimately, a writer has to treat their story like a child. It's born, it grows up, it moves out. At some point, you have to let it go and allow the story to stand on its own merits.

Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari and more than twenty other companies, has been quoted as saying...

"The ultimate inspiration is the deadline."

As a writer, I couldn't agree more.

I can't judge Martin's career, nor his degree of success. Clearly, he's an accomplished creator and garnered immense wealth from his imaginative talents. Yet, I can't help but call a spade a spade. Whether Martin realizes it or not, he represents the writing profession the world over. This holds especially true considering Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire / Game of Thrones is arguable one of the most popular pieces of media on the entire planet. It is imperative that he respect and venerate the deadline, for all its earthly necessity. Writer's need deadlines, or else little would ever be published.

A deadline is the spur that urges a writer ahead, digging into the ribs of a creature susceptible to over-thinking, lethargy and introversion.

It's Time To Kill The Laugh Track.

You're watching a comedy program on television. The characters are conversing back and forth, trading one witty comment after another. With every joke and one-liner spoken, suddenly an invisible audience begins to laugh, whistle and holler.

Where the hell did that 'canned' laughter come from?

What you just heard is called a laugh track, and it has been around since 1950.

Created by sound engineer Charles Douglass, the laugh track is a marvel of television production. In use for nearly seventy years, the laugh track has touched nearly every aspect of comedic programming in the United States. From Hogan's Heroes to I Love Lucy, to Taxi and Cheers... a plethora of television shows have all used laugh tracks. In fact, many modern programs like The Big Bang Theory employ the laugh track to dramatically punch up their studio audience reactions.

I'm here to tell you... it's time to kill the laugh track.

I can understand the laugh track's use in the early days of television. Programs were filmed live before a studio audience. If there were multiple takes of a scene during filming, there would be continuity gaps between the takes. Obviously, as a scene was filmed two, three, four times or more, the audience would stop laughing at the same jokes being repeated. To make the takes blend together in a seamless scene, the laugh track of prerecorded laughter would be inserted to bridge the inconsistencies. As television progressed through the 1960's and early 1970's, many programs came to rely upon the laugh track heavily, often for pure comedic effect in their own right -- The Munsters, Scooby-Doo and Gilligan's Island were notorious for this. Other times, the laugh track would facilitate the total illusion that a program was filmed before an audience, when in fact it was recorded on a small, closed sound stage with no audience at all.

As television evolved to present more relevant social and political themes in the 1970's, many producers thankfully tried to avoid the use of the laugh track in their comedies. Instead of speaking down to their viewers, they wanted the home audience to think and laugh on their own accord. The laugh track had been used to tell viewers "when to laugh" for so long... much to the detriment of viewers' critical thinking ability. Garry Marshall's The Odd Couple used a laugh track during the first season due to network pressure, much to the chagrin of stars Jack Klugman and Tony Randall. They demanded that the program revert to being recorded before a live studio audience. By the second season, Klugman and Randall had won out; the laugh track was removed and all laughter heard was genuine. Producer Norman Leer employed the same approach to All In The Family, which was also recorded before a live audience during all but its last few seasons.

The laugh track is offensive and obtrusive in multiple ways. Chiefly, it inserts a pause in the natural flow of character dialogue to prompt the audience to laugh and applause at a joke. This does not take into account whether the joke was decent or funny. Instead of letting a scene progress at a normal pace, actors must create gaps between their lines to provide space for post-production laughter to be inserted. In reality, who talks like that?! Another irritating aspect of laugh tracks is that they introduce a totally foreign element to the program. The laughter isn't from characters in the program itself, nor is it a sound effect caused by an item or action in a scene. Instead, the laugh track is glazed over the program like fungus growing on a rock. It's unnatural and often times distracting from the program's content. I've lost count the number of times I've yelled at a television program because a laugh track attempted to convince me that a joke was funny, when it was truthfully dull or uninspired. It took my attention away from the actors and their scene. That's simply not funny.

We should expect more from ourselves and the content that we consume. Watching comedies on television that don't cue us when to laugh is a profound first step in that direction. Consider this scene below, for example. Admittedly, I have watched The Big Bang Theory for many years. Yet, as the show has aged, the jokes have become more rudimentary and predictable. The characters haven't experienced any real personal growth, much to my displeasure. The situations that the characters find themselves in are a little more stale and tiresome. If not for the characters being quirky themselves, short of any potential comedic situation, I'd probably not watch the program any more. As they continue to employ a laugh track to highlight a joke, my disillusionment with the show broadens. Watch this scene and understand what the show would be like if the laugh track wasn't used.

It becomes blatantly clear that The Big Bang Theory is crafted a fair amount of the time around the laugh track, and not vice versa. Without the laugh track, the show would present as hollow and boring. If anything, the laugh track adds a sense of life and not comedy. Here's another show that I watch essentially for the characters and not the jokes, which are quite terrible at times -- 2 Broke Girls. The video's editor has removed the laugh track. Perhaps more so than The Big Bang Theory, this show relies almost exclusively on a laugh track to deliver its comedy. The laugh track makes you feel like it's funny, when it almost certainly isn't.

Here's an edited version of Friends with the laugh track removed. I have never liked Friends, but the absence of the laugh track really drives home how terrible this show actually is.

So what does this all mean? The laugh track has to go. It's ravaging programs with plenty of potential, thanks to their interesting characters, and dropping them into a vapid echo chamber without any sort of comedic integrity. Writers shouldn't rely on the crutch of a laugh track to support their creations. As viewers, we're smarter than this. Shouldn't the programs that we watch be crafted with that same sense of wit and intelligence? Let comedy stand on its own two feet. Otherwise, programs developed to serve a laugh track are nothing more than terrible prop comedy.

The Infamous Alien Autopsy: Fact Or Fiction Tape.

Let me preface the following article by saying that I'm not some zany conspiracy theorist... but I do believe there's some weird stuff out there that we don't fully understand as a species. One such area that particularly interests me is that of extra terrestrials. Back in the 1990's, there was a frightening special that aired on the Fox Television Network.

The subject of that video? The autopsy of an actual alien.

The validity of this tape has always been up for debate. Was it fake? Was it real? Who knows? I don't know if it's real or not... but I admit that it's probably a hoax. The fact that legendary special effects master Stan Winston makes an appearance to debate whether the footage is real or fake really adds a sense of credibility. Either way, one thing is for certain.

At the time this video aired on live television, it scared the holy crap out of my pre-teen self.

The video explores the events surrounding the mysterious UFO crash outside Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. The government says it was a weather balloon. Theorists suggest it was a flying saucer from beyond the stars. Oooooooh... spooky.

Hosted by the always endearing actor and director Jonathan Frakes, this video goes in depth into what could (but probably isn't) an alien autopsy performed in secret by the United States Government. So sit back, put on your aluminum foil hat and enjoy...

ALIEN AUTOPSY: FACT OR FICTION!

This message is Commander Riker approved.

The Terror of Count Duckula!

Hunting and stalking at night with a taste for... vegetables?

Any proper child of the '80s will remember the awesomeness that was Count Duckula. It was a cartoon that featured a vampire duck and his various monstrous companions. Within the narrative of the cartoon, Count Duckula would be reincarnated about ounce every century. Though, there was a slight mishap with the current version. The summoning ritual which brought him back to life accidentally substituted ketchup instead of blood. Oh, the horror! Now, instead of sucking blood from his victims, Count Duckula scarfs down carrots and broccoli sandwiches. Using his magical teleporting Castle Duckula, the Count can transport to any place (or time) on the planet, often with hilarious results. Yet, at the crack of dawn, Eastern Transylvanian Standard Time, the castle automatically returns to Transylvania.

Count Duckula was originally broadcast from 1988 to 1993. I can remember watching it on Nickelodeon as a kid. It has a very memorable intro song (as heard above). I also remember how macabre the content was for a cartoon about a friendly vampire duck. As an adult, I learned that Count Duckula was in fact a British cartoon produced for the ITV network, with Nickelodeon merely picking up the American broadcast license.

Here's a batch of classic Nickelodeon commercials.

Jump to the 2:39 mark for Count Duckula!

Count Duckula was broadcast during the golden era of Nickelodeon. It shared the airwaves with other classics like Clarissa Explains It All, Are You Afraid of the Dark? and Double Dare! For a horror cartoon, it was just scary enough to make you sit on the edge of your seat, only to find yourself laughing at how stupid the Count actually was.

Besides having a cartoon, Count Duckula received a series of comics from Marvel and a video game for the Commodore 64.

Though the goofy Count hasn't been heard of since his show ended, I hope he'll perhaps make a return someday. Maybe he's still rolling around Transylvania, stealing artichoke hearts and making a grand old fool of himself.

And now, enjoy a full episode of Count Duckula!

Count Duckula -- Return of the Curse of the Secret of the Mummy's Tomb [S2:E17]

2015 Miss USA Pageant Earns Lowest Ratings Ever.

The night of Sunday, July 12 saw the latest installment of the annual Miss USA Pageant. The event, which aired on the Reelz cable network, drew only 925,000 viewers. This marks the lowest ratings numbers the program has ever had. Admittedly, the program was held on a third-class cable channel. The Miss USA Pageant normally airs on NBC, but they recently cut ties with Donald Trump, whom owns a stake in the pageant. Honestly, I suspect the low numbers for the pageant can't wholly be attributed to its move to cable.

As the old Bob Dylan song goes... The Times They Are a-Changin'.

2015 Miss USA Winner Olivia Jordan of Oklahoma.

The pageant saw its best ratings nearly four decades ago. In the 1970's, the Miss USA Pageant easily earned 40 million viewers per telecast. Though, the ratings for the pageant have been in steady decline since then. Last year, the ratings were definitely better than this year -- 5.5 million. But, you must consider that the 2014 edition was broadcast on a national over-the-air network. Essentially, it was free. Beggars can't be choosers for content, am I right?

Americans have been in the process of moving on from beauty pageants for a long time. Less and less, women are objectified as hollow know-nothings. A pageant dedicated to women strutting in bikinis, evening gowns and answering softball 'world peace' questions simply doesn't work in the modern world. Women are more than just objects of beauty... and they shouldn't be treated as such. Pageants represent a time when women weren't respected as equals to men. Honestly, I'm surprised the notion of beauty pageants has lasted this long.

I feel compelled to point out that while I find the concept of a beauty pageant to be archaic, the contestants are largely intelligent, hard-working, motivated women with a drive to succeed. The contestants recognize a path to earning notoriety, opening business opportunities and continuing their education -- I simply can't fault them for that. I just find it unsettling that the contestants have to render themselves to the lowest common denominator of existence -- letting judges decide who looks better in a bathing suit. Give me a frickin' break!

If beauty really is in the eye of the beholder, how can there be any sort of an objective beauty pageant? It just doesn't make sense.

Happy Birthday Oscar the Grouch!

Today, June 1, is the birthday of my favorite Sesame Street character...

Oscar the Grouch!

Growing up as an introverted, grumpy kid, I could always relate to Oscar and his foul attitude. He didn't like it when other people told him what to do, or bothered him with questions when he didn't feel like talking. Yet, deep down, he was just as caring and compassionate as the rest of the residents on Sesame Street.

His heart is just buried under a heap of stinking garbage.

Oscar's birthday was revealed over fifteen years ago. On episode 3866, which aired January 24, 2000, the Sesame Street community celebrated Oscar's birthday -- much to his chagrin, of course. 

In reality, Oscar the Grouch made his first television appearance on November 10, 1969. Believe it or not, he wasn't always green! During the first season of Sesame Street, Oscar was a dingy orange hue. To explain the shift in color, the writers of the program had Oscar visit the Swamp Mushy Muddy, thereby permanently making him a gross green color.

Oscar before he turned green.

Here's to you Oscar. Keep on being grouchy!

TV Shows That Got The Ax Far Too Soon.

Sometimes, there's just no saving a good television show. Many times in the past, I've unfortunately watched a favorite program get the ax, at times without resolving a cliffhanger ending. Here are three great examples of much-loved television shows that met premature deaths.

Ugly Americans - This half-hour animated comedy premiered on Comedy Central in 2010, only to be canceled after two seasons in 2012. Featuring a colorful cast of demons, monsters, wizards, beasts and devils, Ugly Americans wasn't your typical cartoon. The plots usually delved into the absurd aspects of real life, offering up commentary on how ridiculous modern living can be. Protagonist Mark Lilly is a social worker in New York City. He works for the Department of Integration, which seeks to manage non-human entities living in the city. Combine that with an on-again, off-again office romance with his boss Callie Maggotbone (a succubus none the less) and you've got the makings of a gut-busting show. Every episode is near perfect, especially the season one finale "The Manbirds" -- naked man-chicken hybrids compete in barbarian-esque "cock" fights. This is one cartoon you shouldn't watch with kids in the room. Ugly Americans was canceled due to not enough financing to keep it afloat -- animation isn't cheap!

Quantum Leap - Representing one of my favorite shows from my youth, Quantum Leap had a terribly sad ending that left its fans wanting more. The show featured Dr. Sam Beckett as he time traveled from one person to the next, leaping into their body and "righting what once went wrong". The show began in 1989 and ran for five seasons on NBC. It was a critical success and garnered decent ratings throughout most of its run. The last episode of season five was purposefully written to be ambiguous -- the network hadn't wholly guaranteed that the show would be renewed for a sixth season. Yet, once production of the fifth season wrapped, NBC re-edited the final episode, changed the content and left Sam to forever leap from one life to the next -- he never made it home. Talk about a bummer.

King of the Hill - Those of you who know me well are fully aware that KOTH is one of my all-time favorites. Over the course of its thirteen seasons, we watched as the Hill Family explored every nuance of American life. Patriarch Hank Hill started out as a somewhat close-minded, bland sort of guy. Yet, by the end, Hank was friendly, out-going and fairly liberal (by Texan standards). Throughout the life of the series, KOTH faced scheduling issues because of the Fox Network -- largely due to Sunday NFL football games. With pre-empted episodes, fans sometimes missed the show for weeks at a time (the entire tenth season was nothing but pre-empted shows from season nine). Yet, somehow, KOTH managed to survive year after year. The show faced cancellation multiple times throughout its run, but ultimately met its demise in 2009 (to be replaced by The Cleveland Show... blah). Four un-aired episodes from the final season were eventually shown later in 2010 via syndication. While the program didn't end on a cliffhanger, myself and other fans feel there was plenty of life left in King of the Hill. For a meager show that started in 1997, it managed to keep up with the changing landscape of television, technology, the internet and how people communicate. I miss it to this day.

Your Advertising Makes Me Want To NOT Buy From You!

There's just something about really terrible advertising campaigns and commercials that riles me up. Here's an example.

Click for full-size to see how much it sucks.

I received the above local ad in the mail today. It's one of your typical coupon fliers that try to grab your attention with silly antics. Haha... look at that fat cheerleader. Teehee... that so makes me want to buy tires from you.

Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that are completely deterred by this sort of nonsense. Such advertising speaks to a lower caliber of individual. If you feel the need to look like a fool in your advertisement, how can I feel comfortable knowing that you'll provide me with a quality product and/or professional service?

I can't.

Another trend in advertising (especially in rural areas and smaller cities), is to use children in television commercials. I HATE THESE TYPES OF COMMERCIALS MORE THAN ANY OTHER. If I see a child in your commercial attempting to sell me a car, sing me a jingle or generally just try to be cute, I will NEVER... and I mean N-E-V-E-R buy anything from you. Trying to sell your business with children is just, well... for lack of a better word, childish! This method gives me ZERO confidence in your business. Instead of showing me what you do or what you sell, you just assume shoving some cute little kids in front of me will garner my trust. Nope - it makes me assume that you're pathetic. It's also insulting. Expect better of yourself and your potential customers. Look at it this way...

Would you buy a car from a little kid? Of course not. Then why would you use a little kid in your commercial to sell me a car? YOU SHOULDN'T!

Hell no I'm not buying something from you. Get off my television screen!

Unnecessary Sex Scenes.

You've nestled in with your significant other to watch a film that you've been eager to see. The popcorn has been popped. Your blanket is warm. You've clicked play on the movie.

And twenty minutes in, there's breasts and butts and genitals just flying all over the screen.

Sadly, you've fallen victim to watching unnecessary sex in cinema.

Isn't it annoying, and not to mention awkward, when a television program or movie inserts a completely superfluous sex scene? I can't even begin to count the number of times this has happened to me. The biggest issue I have with unnecessary sex scenes is that they add nothing to the plot. Why do I need to see two fictional characters grinding against one another, making silly noises and pretending to intermingle their jiggly bits? Very rarely would I consider a sex scene important enough to be inserted into a movie.

Mind you, I'm no prude. People can carry out their sex lives in whatever manner they see fit. Whatever gets your motor going, I say go for it (just as long as animals and kids aren't involved). Neither am I for censorship -- nothing should be censored. Adults should be able to make their own decisions as to what forms of media they ingest.

The presence of a sex scene in a film or television program does not automatically make it art. In fact, I find it insulting that many programs and films expect the viewer to appreciate the sex and comprehend its supposed nuance.

You know what I really think?

I think film makers and television producers are inserting dispensable scenes of intercourse to appeal to the lowest common denominator of audience possible. These individuals know that sex sells. Thereby, they cheapen the art of film making and resort to parlor tricks of a provocative nature. 

I also believe sex scenes are used as filler when there is terribly little content to be had in the film or television show. The plot is thin and the characters are dull -- why not have them bump uglies?! The crowd will love it!

Many of you are surely fans of Game of Thrones. I admit that I watched the first four episodes of the program to see what it was all about. When the program was about to premiere on HBO back in 2011, the teasers and commercials previewing the program looked interesting. Typically, I'll watch anything with Sean Bean in it. Sadly, I was let down by the program. Instead of a well-acted war epic, I was delivered a pitiful soft-core pornography dressed up as a fantasy program. Not to mention, the plot was abhorrently messy and extraneously convoluted for the appearance of density. There might have been a plot there, but it was so hidden by absurd moments of sex that it totally detracted from the content.

Game of Thrones is far from the only guilty party. There's more examples than I care to remember. 

• Watchmen
• The Matrix Reloaded (one of the very few issues I have with series)
• The Devil's Advocate
• Knocked Up (a film I generally loathe all around)
• Demolition Man
• Forgetting Sarah Marshall (a film I otherwise quite like -- at least it has some full male nudity included to be fair)

I could go on, but what would be the point? If I tried to compile a list, I'd be writing until I died an old, wrinkled man.

On the flip side, at least there's a film that understands the absurdity of sex scenes in cinema and flips the script -- Team America: World Police. Leave it to the creators of South Park to illustrate how silly sex scenes are on film!

At least actual pornographic films don't pretend to be something they're not!

Whatever Happened to Rebecca Vitsmun?

On May 20, 2013 a gigantic EF5 tornado struck the city of Moore, Oklahoma. The tornado did massive amounts of damage and directly caused the deaths of twenty-four people. In the aftermath of the tornado, an unlikely resident of Moore by the name of Rebecca Vitsmun garnered international attention. Rebecca had the following highly overproduced and staged (per information revealed later on) interview with CNN's Wolf Blitzer on live television.

As you can see, Wolf essentially painted Rebecca into a philosophical corner and forced her hand. He repeatedly brought up the concept of being blessed, even going so far as to ask if she thanked the lord multiple times. If you pay attention to Rebecca, you can tell she was trying to be nice and continually dodged Wolf's assertions. But, at the end, Vitsmun finally had to respond to Wolf's incessant badgering... so she did. On live television, she outed herself as an atheist. Even her own family was not aware of her position, much to their surprise. It took a great deal of bravery and fortitude to make such a statement on air for the whole world to see. But... the story did not end there.

Soon after the interview went viral on the internet, the insightful and witty comedian Doug Stanhope decided to help. He created a crowd-funding project with the website Indiegogo to help Rebecca and her family. This project, which initially just started out as an affront to the hypocrisy of organized religion, soon morphed into a massive campaign. When the funding project finished, it had raised a whopping $125,760 from 4,475 donors! In fact, I was one of the donors to the campaign. As a fellow atheist; it was the least I could do.

At this point, most would ask...

"Whatever happened to Rebecca Vitsmun? Where did the money go?"

I recently found a podcast that Stanhope recorded in March of 2014. He finally had the opportunity to speak at length with Vitsmun after the donations had been awarded to her. During the course of the interview, she revealed that her family (husband Brian and son Anders) moved away from Oklahoma as soon as possible. Thanks to her insurance coverage, she spent a year in nearby Norman, Oklahoma getting her family's affairs in order. From there, they purchased a home in the Tacoma, Washington area with the money that was raised. Vitsmun has since become a compassionate voice within the atheist and humanist global community. She has also profusely thanked everyone whom helped her family.

It's stories like this that reflect the good that atheists can do. It highlights a few key points that I greatly appreciate.

• Religion isn't necessary to lend a helping hand.
• Having faith does not automatically equate to having compassion -- they are NOT mutually exclusive.
• You never know who might be an atheist in your life. Many atheists are closeted out of fear from persecution -- usually from their own family.
• Atheists are not devil-worshipers, Satanists or evil. They're no different than anyone else.

I commend Rebecca for being honest with the world. The atheist community owes her a debt of gratitude. She makes us all look a little bit better.

For more information about helping others in the capacity as an atheist / humanist, please visit Foundation Beyond Belief.

1980's Television Retrospective: 1985 - 1986.

There was no better decade for prime-time television than the 1980's. In this series of retrospective articles, I hope to share my love of this televised decade with you. Perhaps I'll jog your memory of a hit from the past. Better yet, maybe I'll introduce you to something new to watch! In this series, I'll be analyzing each year of the decade in no particular order.

Tonight, I'll start with the 1985 - 1986 season.

Here's the rundown of each network by day, along with my comments. Please note that this list will not include news programs, sporting events, network broadcasts of feature films or made for television movies. Also, the Fox Network had yet to make its premiere, so you won't see any listings for them. If a program moved around the schedule within the season, I'll only mark it once with the day it premiered originally.

Punky Brewster

Sunday

ABC - Ripley's Believe It or Not, MacGyver,
CBS - Murder She Wrote, Crazy Like a Fox, Trapper John, M.D.
NBC - Punky Brewster, Silver Spoons, Fathers and Sons, Amazing Stories, Alfred Hitchcock Presents

• As a kid, the two big ones for me were MacGyver and Punky Brewster. I followed both programs and watched them faithfully. To be honest, I probably had a small crush on Punky (who didn't?). Who thought a program about an orphaned girl would be so darn appealing? As to MacGyver, he was the MAN! I can remember trying to guess every week what devices he'd cook up in the episode. It premiered in the fall of 1985, went on for seven seasons and two made-for-television movies. MacGyver went down as one of the most successful shows of the 1980's.

Cagney and Lacey

Monday

ABC - Hardcastle and McCormick

CBS - Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Kate & Allie, Newhart, Cagney & Lacey

NBC - TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes, You Again?, Valerie

• There really wasn't much for me to watch as a kid on Monday nights this season. In terms of '80s TV nostalgia, this night has come to be known as "The Night of And's". You can obviously see why. TV's Bloopers and Practical Jokes was decent. I recall watching it for the animated segments drawn by MAD Magazine's very own Sergio Aragones! As I've grown older, though, I've come to like and appreciate Newhart. Cagney & Lacey was a program I watched occasionally, but don't remember too much of it. It's great to watch in reruns, though. Interesting fact -- in the first season of Cagney and Lacey, Meg Foster (They Live) originally portrayed Cagney. She was replaced after the first season by the fantastic Sharon Gless because CBS's executives thought Foster gave off too much of a lesbian vibe. Times sure have changed for the better in that department!

The A-Team

Tuesday

ABC - Who's the Boss?, Growing Pains, Perfect Strangers, Moonlighting, Our Family Honor, Spenser: For Hire 

CBS - Hometown, Stir Crazy, Melba, Charlie & Co., Mary, Foley Square, The Equalizer

NBC - The A-Team, Riptide, Hunter, Remington Steele, Stingray

• Tuesday night was one of the best nights on television during the 1985-1986 season. I had tons of great shows to watch, but there was always a tough decision to make at 8 PM -- do I watch Who's the Boss? or The A-Team? Usually, The A-Team won out if I had any control over the television remote (that wasn't always the case). I can remember my mother not caring for The A-Team very much, but it wasn't a huge loss. To this day, I think Tony Danza is highly under-rated as an actor. Perfect Strangers was a show I can remember being very fond of, but not at this point. It premiered with a short six-episode run in the spring of 1986 before it found its way to Friday night in 1988. There, Perfect Strangers would go on to become a fan favorite with TGIF! In terms of greatness, though, the best show was by far the new series The Equalizer. Many times, I would sneak into the hallway and try to watch this from afar without getting caught by my parents. As I grew older, I was allowed to stay up later and watch it -- particularly with my grandpa when I stayed overnight with my grandparents! Robert McCall stands proudly in the pantheon of great television characters, in my opinion. The stellar performance by Edward Woodward turned me into a lifelong fan of his work. Moonlighting was a series I didn't watch until I was much older, but it's an instant romantic-comedy classic in a time before rom-com's were at thing.

Airwolf

Wednesday

ABC - The Insiders, Dynasty, The Hotel

CBS - Fast Times, West 57th, Tough Cookies, Crazy Like a Fox, Airwolf

NBC - Highway to Heaven, Hell Town, Blacke's Magic, Gimme a Break!, St. Elsewhere

• Wednesday was sort of the bummer night during this season. Not much aired that I liked except for Airwolf , but I rarely got to see it because it was on at 10PM. I watched a lot of Highway to Heaven, though I didn't like it as a kid. As a teenager, I came appreciate the sincerity of the program and grew to like it during syndication. I remember Gimme a Break! distinctly for Nell Carter, a fine comedic actress in her own right. Gimme a Break! is also where successful actor Joey Lawrence hit it big as a child star.

Simon & Simon

Thursday

ABC - The Fall Guy, Lady Blue, Shadow Chasers, The Colbys

CBS - Magnum, P.I., Simon & Simon, Bridges to Cross, Knot's Landing

NBC - The Cosby Show, Family Ties, Cheers, Night Court, Hill Street Blues

• Thursday was another very difficult evening to watch television. At 8PM during the fall, you had The Fall Guy going up against Magnum, P.I.! Talk about difficult to choose. Many times, I can recall flipping back and forth between the two programs because I loved them both so much. Ten minutes here, then minutes there -- I'd work up a sweat just trying to keep up. Thankfully, both shows would be repeated on other nights throughout the week, so I could catch up if I missed something. Simon & Simon aired in the Magnum, P.I. slot during the spring, but it didn't make the choice any easier. I loved all three programs. As luck would have it, Simon & Simon was very successful in syndication, so I saw many of the episodes I missed previously. Hands down, it's one of the best private detective shows ever produced. Cheers and Night Court were also programs I watched fairly regularly. Obviously, Cheers went on to become the most successful series of the 1980's. The Cosby Show, believe it or not, wasn't something that appealed to me at all -- and it still doesn't. Considering how popular it was, my sentiment is certainly in the minority. Maybe I just don't get its vibe.

Knight Rider

Friday

ABC - Webster, Mr. Belvedere, Diff'rent Strokes, Mr. Sunshine, Benson, He's the Mayor, Joe Bash, The Love Boat

CBS - The Twilight Zone, Leo & Liz in Beverly Hills, Dallas, Falcon Crest

NBC - Knight Rider, Misfits of Science, The Last Precinct, Miami Vice

• WHOA! In the 1980's, Friday night was not a death slot where TV shows went to slowly die like today. I usually watched (geeked out over) Knight Rider unless it was a rerun, to which I then watched Webster and Mr. Belvedere. For some reason, I don't believe I was even aware of The Twilight Zone as a kid, which was a real pity. The '80s revival series was a great one and still holds up if you watch it today. While I didn't watch them, both Dallas and Falcon Crest were huge programs that dominated the ratings. Perhaps the biggest of all the programs shown on Friday was Miami Vice, which has come to epitomize much of what the '80s represents. Miami Vice didn't really appeal to me as a kid, either. I wouldn't appreciate it until later on in syndication, when I was older.

The Golden Girls

Saturday

ABC - Hollywood Beat, The Redd Foxx Show, Mr. Sunshine, Lime Street, Lady Blue, Fortune Dane 

CBS - All Repeats

NBC - The Facts of Life, The Golden Girls, 227, All Is Forgiven, Hunter

• Saturday was usually the day networks would broadcast repeats of their programs from earlier in the week. This gave folks like me the chance to catch up on shows that I'd missed due to competition or a bed time (Magnum, P.I., Fall Guy, Airwolf, etc.). Though, NBC premiered a massive hit that went on to win many awards over the course of seven seasons -- The Golden Girls. While I didn't appreciate it in its first-run, The Golden Girls became a show I watched later on in syndication. I was just too young to "get it" at the time. While not something I made a point to watch, my grandma absolutely LOVED Hunter. It seems like she screamed commands at the show every time she watched it. Look out, Hunter!

How I Missed the Boat on "Bob's Burgers".

Have I ever mentioned how much I like "Bob's Burgers"? I mean I REALLY like it. At first, I didn't believe I would. When "Bob's Burgers" premiered, "King of the Hill" had just been canceled, which happens to be one of my favorite television programs of all time. How could the Fox Network attempt to replace such a classic with a show about a greasy burger shop? It just didn't make any sense to me.

I really miss the Hill Family.

Jump ahead to last year...

A few years had passed since "King of the Hill" was canceled. I'd not attempted to watch "Bob's Burgers" in that time. That was soon to change, though. Late one night, I happened to catch an episode on Adult Swim. Half asleep and not thinking clearly, I somehow found myself chuckling at the odd Belcher Family of "Bob's Burgers"! Before long, I was asking myself...

"Why in the hell am I not watching this show already?"

One of the most genuine families on television. They've got PROBLEMS.

When it comes to missing out on great television programs, this was perhaps my biggest mistake. For two years, a great comedic program was airing right under my nose. My anger over the cancellation of "King of the Hill" had clouded my judgment. I should have known all along that "Bob's Burgers" would be fantastic. It was created by Loren Bouchard, whom also developed the highly superb and perpetually flying-under-the-radar cartoon "Home Movies".

Side Note - Home Movies was ironically co-created with Brendon Small and based upon his childood. Small went on to create the crushingly awesome Metalocalypse!

Side Side Note - I know my cartoons. The web of cartoon animation is a dangerous place to traverse. I came prepared! *cracks whip*

Could the quirkiness of the Belchers ever replace the straight-laced Hill Family? Of course not. But, that doesn't mean I couldn't find a new place in my heart for such a lovable cast of characters. "Bob's Burgers" truly is an achievement in animation... perhaps in televised comedy altogether.

If you haven't already given "Bob's Burgers" a try, I highly suggest you do so. Pro tip - keep an eye on the chalk board behind the counter in the restaurant. There's a different gimmick-themed burger every episode (and sometimes between scenes)!

I'll be discussing the phenomenon that is "King of the Hill" in a future article!

"Bob's Burgers" and "King of the Hill" are both owned by Fox. Images used are for illustrative purposes only and do not attempt to infringe upon the copyrights of the owner.