Saturday, December 27, 2014

Cookie Cutter Country Girls

We've all seen them.

You can't escape them.

They're waiting for us.

At every pool party... on every lake... at every crappy country music concert...


The faces have been blurred to protect the innocent... or the ugly. Your choice, honestly.

Girls like this are a dime a dozen, are they not? We see them everywhere -- self-absorbed white country girls. They tend to congregate together like moths to a light bulb. Somehow, they always wind up on camera in massive group shots. These broads believe they're special, but they're all the same in reality. Their hair color or boyfriend may change, but inside they're indistinguishable -- prissy, gullible, conceited vamps.

Take a look at your Facebook or Instagram feed. Odds are you know someone whom believes they're a country girl. Not just believes it, but runs with the label and embraces the lifestyle. These Cookie Cutter Country Girls love...
  • Guys with big trucks
  • Bud Light
  • Camouflage Tervis Cups
  • UGG Boots
  • Really short shorts
  • Confederate Flag Bikinis
  • Pink Browning Decals on their Honda Accord
  • Claiming to be a cowgirl
  • Being treated like a princess
  • Shitty pictures on Pinterest
  • Obviously targeted asinine rom-coms and country-themed movies
  • Getting pregnant at an early age
  • Faux-distressed Mossy Oak hats
  • Naming their kid Colt or Dylan
  • Linking everyday activities to "gettin' muddy"
  • Claiming to drink hard whisky (when it's usually just Fireball)
  • Taking photos of themselves holding a firearm
  • Putting on makeup to go "hunting"
  • Having their pictures taken "professionally" by their best friend whom claims to be a photographer on the internet
I could go on and on, but why bother? We all know the type. In reality, these gals wouldn't last five minutes in a survival scenario. The only thing "country" about these girls are their lack of economic and social advancement.

You're annoying.

You're unoriginal.

You're just plain loathsome.

Ladies - I'm talking directly to you. Please... just be your self. Stop trying to cram your whole world into the country girl aesthetic. The only people that come out ahead are the corporate raiders and plutocrats whom sell you all this lifestyle crap you don't really need. In the end, you're just oppressed, repressed and underdressed. Don't fall into the trap of being a cookie-cutter woman. We've got enough of these dingbats as it is.

I dare you to tell me I'm wrong. If you do, be prepared to site your sources.


  1. Hit the nail on the head again. These girls annoy every fiber of my existence! We all know you can't get up 3 hours before dawn to get to a tree stand that probably couldn't support you anyway, much less drag your kill to your Honda accord! Your size 24 daisy dukes could be used to cover that beat up Honda with not only a Browning decal but also a Vans and hello kitty sticker... Make up your mind! Yea!!!

  2. I LOVED the point about the fireball. PERFECT!!