Thursday, December 18, 2014

Things Trashy People Shouldn't Discuss in Public.

Hello friends! I'm back with another slam-bang article about a constant source of laughter in my life. That's right... trashy people.

A sighting of the not-so-elusive Homo trashicus at a local department store.

While doing some holiday shopping earlier today, I was unfortunate enough to be trapped behind some rather unsightly characters. Imagine this scene...

Three rather dingy bumpkins in t-shirts, sandals and ripped up jeans (must have forgotten it's December). They all had a terrible smoker's cough and their voices were raspy. The female (I think) among them had a highly suspect dye job; her hair seemed to be hiding an Irish Wolfhound of some sort. On her arm was a giant tiger-stripe purse. The two fellows had some interesting head gear. One sported a faded bandanna with motorcycles. The other had a giant cowboy hat that was too big for his head. I could detect a hint of Skoal and cheap cigarettes in the air.

I found myself asking... who let these ruffians into JCPenney?

While waiting for their cashier to scan their items, they had a long conversation about various unsavory topics. I'll include their topics below, along with some other humorous things I've heard spoken publicly as of late. I present to you...

Things Trashy People Shouldn't Discuss in Public!

  • Don't discuss debt collectors ringing your phone at all hours of the day and night. No one cares that you owe Verizon over $300, which you've failed to pay for many months. If you can't come up with a meager $300 in ninety days, then you've failed at life.
  • Don't discuss your daughter's trouble with her 'baby daddy'. We all know she's an ignorant, attention-starved tramp. Save the legal talk for your trailer park... or for The People's Court, which you surely watch every day.
  • Don't discuss personal lubricants. No... I'm not joking.
  • Don't discuss which guy you're going to hook up with this weekend. We like to be surprised... just like you during your next pregnancy test.
  • Don't discuss how many times your wife has miscarried. It's just sad and depressing that you keep impregnating her with your demon spawn.
  • Don't discuss the merits of your muddin' truck. Such a vehicle has none.
  • Don't discuss how many times your brother was arrested for driving while intoxicated. Your brother has nothing to be proud of.
  • Don't discuss the giant abscess in your back. We can already smell it. We certainly don't want to imagine what it looks like.
  • Don't discuss your fascination with My Little Pony if you're a grown man. It just solidifies what we're already thinking -- you're a creep.
And finally, here's a big one.
  • Don't discuss how you're waiting for your monthly public assistance check to buy smokes. I know a much cheaper method to kill yourself that doesn't eat up my tax dollars... and it's a whole lot faster too! *cough*traintracks*cough*
Happy Holidays everyone!


  1. Are you sure you weren't back in good ol' rural Virginia? I can say I have heard almost all of these in Farmville and Appomattox.

  2. Pure excellence! I love your blog!