Friday, April 3, 2015

I'm Surrounded By Idiots.

I placed an ad on Craigslist yesterday advertising two used garden ponds. They're available for free -- if someone wants them, they can come get them.

Unfortunately, I have been utterly shocked by the writing ability of those who've replied to my ad. Their spelling and grammar has been absolutely terrible. Here are some examples of the emails I have received. Full names and phone numbers have been redacted, of course.
"Hi my name is is Curtis and I ams imterested n coming to gt the fish pondas for your yard if you can give me a call at xxx-xxx-xxxx"
Wow, Curtis! Your spelling stinks. Next!
"Do u stil hv fish ponds call me at xxx xxx xxx"
Yes, I do still have fish ponds, but you're not getting them. Next!
"I am intrstd pleaz call xx-xxxx Steve"
Gee, Steve... even if I had all ten digits of your phone number, I still wouldn't call you. Next!
"Is the fishpond still available I'm at exit 132 Mount Hope Church"
To be honest, I don't really care where you are. It's not pertinent to you coming to get the ponds (with an 's', that's plural). The next person who contacted me (Jennifer) sent three separate emails. Here they are in order.
"do u still have it called me plz xxxxxxxxxx"
"were at in whittset"
"i wnt plz u shld gv me plz"
Jennifer, you're a certified moron. If I wrote like that to a complete stranger, I'd be totally frightened at what they'd think of me. You don't need my garden ponds. You need a proper education! Next!
"yess im intrestedd in dem when iz a best time to comes and get them also could you give me directions thanks aaron"
Aaron, sorry about your luck. Besides forgetting to end your sentence with a question mark (or any punctuation for that matter), you're borderline ignorant. And to think -- you probably have a license to drive. Next!
"Wuld lik 2 hav plz call me can come u call me xxxxxxxxxx chloey"
My dear Chloey, don't forget to breathe. Next!
"Im interested can snap yo."
I'm glad you can snap, but you're not getting my garden ponds. Next!
"u stl hv"
Is that even English?

These email messages have been pouring in all day long. I'm still receiving messages of deplorable quality even as I type this blog article. What happened to the average American? Is it so hard to compose a decent message with a few sentences, some punctuation and correct spelling? This doesn't even take into account the messages I've gotten where only a phone number is included. No name, no greeting... just a phone number. You bumbling fools -- if I wanted to negotiate this free transaction via phone, I'd have put my phone number in the ad. Is the full extent of your typing ability just the numbers zero through nine?!


Face it, folks. We're surrounded by imbeciles, pinheads and simpletons. I'll tell you this, though. I'll be damned if any of these morons will get my free garden ponds. I'll wait for the first halfway decent email to arrive. You won't catch me improving the lives of dimwits!

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